The Updated Life of Tjames

Oh hello there. It's your friendly neighbourhood baristud!! Just thought I would stop by and give you bitch tits a little update. I miss coming to this blog, it reminds me far too much of Peru and how whenever I would be blogging it would be about how my balls were fondled, or about my disease collection. Such good memories... I neglect it far too much because I don't have stories like these anymore. Canada is boring I guess.

Well. Life is for sure different. Or should I say it will be different shortly. I'm still working at Starbucks, (lifer), and have been since August. 40 hours a week. I feel like a real adult. Except for the fact that when my shift is done I reek like I took a coffee shower, and have foam all over my body.. What? That's not what real adults look like after a shift at work? Awkward. Anyways, 40 hours a week. Yes. With time to play on the weekends, of course. Sometimes on week days. Whoops. ANYWAYS. Life will def be different shortly. I'm going back to school in January, taking 4 100 level classes because my university sucks and gives me shitty registration dates... Thanks UFV. So welcome me back to the student life of procrastination. Oh, and I'm also moving back home in February with my fam jam. Which will be weird since I've been on my own for the past year. It'll be good though. Three words: home cooked meals... TALK DIRTY!

So with these life changes I'll be working less, most likely partying more, and writing papers into the wee hours of the morning. Can't wait for the last one... But the one thing that I'm absolutely looking forward to is visiting my friend Rachel that I met in Peru!! This will be happening in Feb. and it can't come soon enough. I need a mini vaca. I need to get out of Abby. To visit the states. It'll be a nice refreshing trip with my bestie with testies to visit my Peruvian sister in SanFran. Shit will def get weird, and I can't wait! Can you say HYPHY?

On another totally unrelated topic, it's almost the new year. Where did this year go?! How did it slip by so fast? This is by far the best year that I lived through in my short 21 years of life. So many positive things have happened in my life. Such as finding some of the most amazing friends that I could have ever asked for. I can honestly say that every person in my life this year has changed it for the better. The ones in Canada, and especially the ones I met travelling in Peru. Love my besties!

PERU! I can't even leave this out of this post. It has, to this date, been the best 3 months of my life. I learned so much while living there, from being on my own in a foreign country, meeting over one hundred people from all over the world, and just diving into the culture. It taught me the best life lesson, to just go with the flow and live carefree. It brought out my inner hippy, and I love it. I miss it every day and all of the wonderful people I met there. I also greatly miss not showering for a week at a time... I smite you hygiene!!

What else can I rant about? Are you even reading anymore? Shut up, this is tjames' blog, of course you still are. WELL, I don't even know. I'm sad that this year will officially be over in a couple of weeks. But this means that I get to try and make this coming year even better than the last. I don't know how I'll top this, but I'll try my hardest, all the while updating you creeps!

Have a great Christmas + New Years, and have a drink for me... or 600..!!

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Listen to my finger. Take a break, breath, enjoy life, tell a friend you appreciate them, and then have a beer bong!!

Scooter Fail

Holla, holla, holla! So, I don't know how to jump into this post subtly, except to say I crashed my scooter.... Yes, you did read correctly; I was viciously thrown off of the Red Rocket at 100 km/hr, thrown into the windshield of a car, ricocheted into a ditch, and I can still say that I survived ! Okay, that was a lie, but wouldn't that make me so much cooler in life if it were true? No, in all honestly I decided last Thursday that it would be a beautiful idea to drive scooty while it was snowing, when CLEARLY I knew this was not alright. I was driving along a side road (the main roads were still fine), lost traction, fish-tailed and slid with scoot on its side. Do you want to know what the shitty part of this story? Well it's all shitty, but the shittier end? Three separate cars saw me fall down, and all three cars didn't even stop. RUDE AND UNCALLED FOR!!

So after the nearly lethal fall, I picked the bitch-tit up, dragged it to the side of the road, and decided it was a great time to have a smoke break. I think I muttered (screamed) a list of profanities during this relaxing break of mine. So the next part of this story includes me walking on the side of a road, in the snow, pushing a scooter, wearing a helmut, and having cars fly by me spewing dirty slush all over my body. But I don't like remembering that part.

I didn't live far from where I crashed, so walking it home wasn't that bad of an idea, until my travels took me to a hill. A hill where every time I tried to push scoot up I slid down. I threw my helmut off, took another little break, and decided to ditch her in an abandoned parking lot, residing in the humble parking lot of "Fas Gas". This was Thursday night... It's now Monday night and she's still resting in that same stall.

Long story long, I went back the next day to pick her up and every time I gave her gas, she sputtered out. Just like how my love has sputtered out when she decided to almost kill me. I'm heartbroken. And forced to travel on foot. I hate the snow.

Death Cab

Oh hi there. Aren't you going to welcome me back? No? I hate you. I'm here, get over it. Anyways, a couple of weeks ago a few friends and I ventured out to Vancouver to go see Death Cab For Cutie in concert. This has always been my life long dream since Seth from the O.C. basically made them famous. I love their music to death and was so excited to see them FINALLY in concert!

The tickets my friend ended up buying were on the floor (my first time) so that made me even more excited. We got there and ended up being right up against the fence. SO CLOSE TO THEM THAT I COULD SEE THE SWEAT BEADING ON THEIR FACES! Not really, but now you get the idea. But these floor tickets brought out a weird crowd.

For example:

1) Crazy drugged up girl beside me that looked like she was having a seizure when shaking her head.

2) Crazy drunk girl who screamed at me that we all suck because we weren't as sloppy as her.

3) The same crazy drunk girl who started to grind up on me... At a Death Cab concert.

4) That SAME drunk girl who forced me to high five her.

I was so nervous. But the concert made up for all of the crazies! The only thing that I would change about the concert is for them to have played "A Lack Of Colour". But other than that, all my hopes and dreams are now fulfilled!

P.S.-- I'm super nervous as to how you can check to see how people got linked to my blog. Because I checked them today and it said that I had one person search for "Tjames nudes".... WHY IS SOMEONE TRYING TO LOOK FOR MY NUDES? I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD ANY!!!

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I took some videos and pictures (NOT OF ME NAKED, CALM YOURSELVES) but since we were right at the front there was a bass speaker ruining everything. This is what I ended up getting.

5 (8) Awesome Baristas!

Hello, my dear readers. I've come back to you. From a far away land called work -- yes, I'm always working. Quite possibly with a little play as well. Soooo, I've come here to update you people on a little treat that I've been doing with my spare time. Recently my room mate and I, Merry, auditioned to get on a YouTube channel. This channel is totally related to Starbucks in all ways, hence the name "5 Awesome Baristas".

Let me give you the jist of it. Every Friday Mlou and I will be uploading a new video on a Starbucks related topic. We're usually good while filming in the beginning. We keep on topic for a little while. But then it turns into something else. There may be footage of us dancing. Maybe even a little pouring a pound of coffee beans over my head. I heard about Merry wearing a blanket as a turban as well? Weird, and yet so good.

I figured since that I'm an irregular poster on this blog that I should probably update you kittens on what's happening in my life. This is just one of the hobbies that I've obtained, so let me go ahead and show you what I'm speaking of!

The first video is our audition to actually get on the channel.

This one is our first video after we made it to the channel. Just an introduction.

This little guy is about Starbucks Shared Planet, and being recycle-wise.

So like I said above, there will be new videos every Friday. So subscribe to our YouTube channel and enjoy our shenanigans weekly!

http://www.youtube.com/user/fiveawesomebaristas

Canada Living

This is the longest amount of time that I haven't blogged for since I started this page up. I find that kind of weird. But it's due to the fact that I feel like there's nothing really to talk about. When travelling in Peru there were so many events that happened to me that I could bitch about, but being back at home not so much. I've been hit with the reality of life since being home, aka having a real job, paying bills (or should I say Peruvian debt), and showering. I hate showering. But really, it was a hard experience trying to get back into the grind of North American society, and it still feels like I'm struggling with that at times. Why aren't there parades in my city every other day? Where are the obese Peruvian women trying to sell me things? Where are the dogs that I have to run away from in fear from getting rabies? Why haven't I been sick in the past month? Where's Gaby to make my meals? Why don't I live in a house with 20 other people anymore?? So many questions. Oh how I miss you Peru!

So, readers that may be wondering what I've been up to since being home from South America, what has tjames been getting up to? I work 40 hours a week making bevies at Starbucks. I got a hair cut because my flow got too greasy from not showering. (I'm joking). I still drive my little red scoot, although she's screaming in pain every time I start her up. I'm back living in the ghetto. I ate 600 oreos today to remind myself of my diet in Peru. Chairman Meow is fat and still screams at me. I've been relatively healthy since being home, no sicknesses! I guess Canada doesn't want me dead. I went camping twice with a group of amazing friends, let me tell you, shit got weird most of the time with them haha. All in all, I've just been trying to get back to my groove of Canadian living.

I still think about the things I did and people I met during my travels a lot, and I miss them with all my greasy, lime green gringo pants wearing heart. I hope that my future travels will bring me back together with them at some point!

Cuando en el Peru!!

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On a side note, I have no idea where this blog is going to go now. I think I'll just switch it back to a couple of monthly vents for your viewing pleasure. So stay tuned.

Back At Home

I'm currently sitting in my bed, back home in Abbotsford, wearing my poncho. I'm officially back home. It didn't hit me until a half hour ago that I'm really home again. Today was my first full day back in reality, and it feels so surreal. Having a cell phone is disgustingly beautiful. How easy it is to get a hold of someone is a weird thing to get used to again. I also rode scoot for the first time today. It was like I was a 5 year old boy just learning how to ride a bike again. Pure bliss. Seeing all of my friends again; I don't know what to say when I first see them. I've had a constant smile on my face since I landed in Vancouver. Oh, I also got my job back at Starbucks, I'll be working at Bakerview by the border! But here are the things that I'm really, really going to miss about living in Cusco.

I'm going to miss having 3 meals prepared for me every day. Having my room cleaned for me. Taking taxis anywhere in the city that costed next to nothing. Sitting out on the patio with everyone having "dessert", aka a smoke. Screaming I love you in Spanish at Gabby and Priscila. Going to InkaTeam and never having to pay for drinks. Dancing on top of the bar at Mythology. Not getting home till 5 or 6 in the morning, and every time Rosemary would judge us. That wearing lime green pants and a beater was a normal thing. Watching True Blood for 7 hours straight. Not caring about hygiene, what is it anyways? (P.S.- I've showered 3 days in a row for people reading this I met in Peru. Isn't that just disgusting??!) I'm going to miss all of the amazing sights I saw, and the people I shared them with. The people I met. I am going to miss all of you SO much you have absolutely no idea. Spending 1 week to 3 months with everyone is something I'll always remember. Even the people I didn't get along with, I'll miss you too. I'm going to miss being forced to live with 20 people in a house, with so many different personalities, from all walks of life. Real World La Florida! I'm going to miss Jacob from Patas and his extreme awkwardness. Gremlin after dark. Only washing my clothes twice in two months. Raiding the fridge and cupboards, even though it was the first rule we were told not to do. MANZANA, UVA, PAPAYA, PLATANO, NARANJA, DURANZNO, MANGO MANGO MANGOOO, VAGINA!! All of the slang spanish that we came up with -- Lo sient, grace, tam, perf, etc. Screaming at the tourists, telling them how much I hated them. Crafternooning. Blackout. Planking everything. The oreo milkshakes from The Meeting Place. The Cure from Los Peros. How often we talked about our poops. When sriracha came into the picture!!! InkaTeam 3rd floor. San Blas. White chocolate macadamian nut cookies!!!! Gretels. Love affair cookies. Chicken for 5 soles. The Haucachina night. I'm going to miss when shit got weird. PachaFupa. I'm going to miss how everyone knew where to find me when Dirty Bit started to play. Getting hyphy to all the prime InkaTeam music! "Excuse me sir, but would you like a therapeutic massage?" Making guacamole at the San Pedro house. There's so much more..

What I'm not going to miss: being sick for 3 months.... I wish I could just forget about how horrible that was. How the water shut off at 1030-11pm everyday. How I didn't get used to the altitude my entire stay, I'll forever and always remember hate having to walk up 3 sets of stairs to get to the top bedroom. The cold. The fucking freezing cold. I thought I was moving to a tropical country. Oh I for sure was mistaken. I didn't appreciate you Cusco when you forced me to wear 3 tshirts, a poncho, sweat pants, shorts, alpaca socks, and a toque to bed every night. My bathroom shower. Why did I have to find out about the secret second floor bathroom 5 days before I left? WHY?! I'm not going to miss seeing dogs being raped. Gross. Having to say goodbye to so many people far too soon. Bus rides, bus rides, bus rides!!! Missing food from back home. Potatoes... Having to throw toilet paper in the trash can. Or not having any toilet paper in general. I'm not going to miss having to drink shower water in Augas Calientes because I couldn't afford bottled water. Def not going to miss when men would grab me and force me to go into The Lek. Your club sucked, I hate you. I won't miss Molino one bit!

I'm sorry for how disorganized this post is. But that was my life down there. I'LL MISS YOU CUSCO, CUSCO, CUSCOOOOOO!!

17 Hour Bus Rides + Haucachina

Hola, mis amigos! That's the extent of my Spanish, get over it. In my attempt to shower, since I haven't since last Sunday, it didn't happen. I just finished watching a movie, and with my luck the water was already turned off. Bullocks. So I decided it's time to update the Abbyites. I arrived home from Haucachina yesterday afternoon, and I wish that wasn't the case. Why was I forced to leave paradise to good 'ole cold Cusco? Oh yeah, because Peru hates me and wants me to be freezing 24/7. Anyways, I'll start with the bus ride. We boarded the bus and as soon as I sat down I burnt my foot on a heat register. I later found out that this heater didn't turn off. For 17 hours I got to enjoy it being 25 degrees. It didn't help with the screaming baby who sounded like a baby raptor trying to eat it's mother. Oh, I almost forgot the rabid vomit it was spewing the entire time as well. During this same bus ride a semi truck was broken down and took up the entire road. So we had to wait about an hour in the blaring heat. I then took the liberty to run into the sand and had a mini photo shoot. We also drove past the Nazca Lines. So whenever somebody asks if I saw them I can brag about it. When we arrived in Ica ( 10 minutes away from Haucachina) we were all in awe from the sand dunes that surrounded us.

We all crammed into a tiny taxi and made our way to the hostal. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! If I was ever asked what my paradise would be I would have to say it would be the palm trees, the pool, the bar, the yellow beach chairs, being surround my sand mountains, and of course, the heat; a.k.a. our hostal. We got in around 230p so we just stripped and threw our nasty 17-hour bus ridden bodies in the pool. The next day we booked our sand boarding/sand buggying trip for 4p. So we had a repeat of the day before and cooked our bodies in the sun until then. When 4p rolled around we all jumped into our buggy and climbed bodies of sand at stupid speed. The sand buggying was probably the best ride I've ever been on. Dropping down steep ass hills and getting air was such an adrenaline rush! The driver finally stopped, gave us our sand boards and told us to have at'er. So I tried to go down standing up and failed horribly. Apparently they don't make sand boards in Peru that fit my caucasian feet; so I fell because my feet unstrapped themselves. Awesome. So I was forced to go down either sitting or on my stomach. I decided that going boarding on my ass wasn't working for me because I was too fat or something. I remember getting super angry and yelling I was too fat at the top of my lungs, and proceeding to roll down the hill because I was bored. With about 15 other people surrounding me. Whoops. After that incident I said fuck it and went down the hills on my belly. Note to self if I ever sand board again, don't do so while screaming. Eating sand isn't my favourite thing to do. While boarding there were two separate occasions where I almost said, "No thanks, take me home." They were the steepest things I've ever seen in my life that I was supposed to hurl my body down (minus bungee jumping). So I grew some balls, 4 apparently, and almost died. The first one I went down it at like 23524 km/hr, which threw my sunglasses off, gave me a mouthful of sand, and gave me snot rockets out of both my nostrils. Attractive, I know. It was SO painful, but worth every second! Okay, but the last hill we went down... I think I peed a little when I saw it. People looked like ants at the bottom of it, and every single time they got to the bottom every single person biffed it, looking like they broke every bone in their body. So I manned up, grew another set of balls (I'm at 6 now) and went face first. I just remember a mixture of screaming, thinking I was going to be killed by Worms (movie reference), and the poop I was about to let release. I survived without bailing. Just barely, though.

After that it we were in definite need of beer. So we went to a different hostal with a nice restaurant and kicked it there for a couple hours. The two Aussies, Kait and Ruth, that came with us, as well as Chad, surprised Rachel and I with tickets to the Paraca Islands. Rachel and I didn't plan to go with them because of our situation, the situation of us being broke, homeless people. Love them to death. But anyways, we got home to our hostal and thought we were going straight to bed because we had to leave at 630a, but walked right into a massive party. They thought it was a good idea to open the club that resided right outside of our room's door on the night we actually need to be up early. Perfect. The next idea in our heads was to pull an all-nighter. That was def a night to remember. 630a rolled around and we climbed into a 1 hour bus to the ocean. I loved every second of it until I started to die from being so tired. The boat ride was two hours and seeing all of the caves reminded me of The Goonies (another movie reference). We saw about 3 million birds, penguins, sea lions, and dolphins. Another crazy experience!

We came home, had a long nap, and just lounged all day until we had to get on another 17 hour bus ride. I hated that I had to leave my paradise back to an icicle. Okay, lets talk about the bus ride home... Between the man who sounded like he swallowed the baby raptor human the first bus ride. Yes, his snoring was that bad. And the person who I sat beside who slept on me the entire ride and his potent smell of rotten ham; bus ride number dos was much worse. Chad actually took a recording of this man snoring and we listened to it the next day, holy shit. I have never heard anything more repulsive in my life. I'm really not going to miss these long ass bus rides when I get home.

That was my Haucachina and Paraca adventure that I'll never forget! And now I'm about to leave in 5 hours to go on a 4 day trek to Machu Picchu that I'll never forget for a different reason. That reason being because I'll have my legs amputated. Can't waaaaaaait! There will be a blog post about this event when I get back.