Back At Home

I'm currently sitting in my bed, back home in Abbotsford, wearing my poncho. I'm officially back home. It didn't hit me until a half hour ago that I'm really home again. Today was my first full day back in reality, and it feels so surreal. Having a cell phone is disgustingly beautiful. How easy it is to get a hold of someone is a weird thing to get used to again. I also rode scoot for the first time today. It was like I was a 5 year old boy just learning how to ride a bike again. Pure bliss. Seeing all of my friends again; I don't know what to say when I first see them. I've had a constant smile on my face since I landed in Vancouver. Oh, I also got my job back at Starbucks, I'll be working at Bakerview by the border! But here are the things that I'm really, really going to miss about living in Cusco.

I'm going to miss having 3 meals prepared for me every day. Having my room cleaned for me. Taking taxis anywhere in the city that costed next to nothing. Sitting out on the patio with everyone having "dessert", aka a smoke. Screaming I love you in Spanish at Gabby and Priscila. Going to InkaTeam and never having to pay for drinks. Dancing on top of the bar at Mythology. Not getting home till 5 or 6 in the morning, and every time Rosemary would judge us. That wearing lime green pants and a beater was a normal thing. Watching True Blood for 7 hours straight. Not caring about hygiene, what is it anyways? (P.S.- I've showered 3 days in a row for people reading this I met in Peru. Isn't that just disgusting??!) I'm going to miss all of the amazing sights I saw, and the people I shared them with. The people I met. I am going to miss all of you SO much you have absolutely no idea. Spending 1 week to 3 months with everyone is something I'll always remember. Even the people I didn't get along with, I'll miss you too. I'm going to miss being forced to live with 20 people in a house, with so many different personalities, from all walks of life. Real World La Florida! I'm going to miss Jacob from Patas and his extreme awkwardness. Gremlin after dark. Only washing my clothes twice in two months. Raiding the fridge and cupboards, even though it was the first rule we were told not to do. MANZANA, UVA, PAPAYA, PLATANO, NARANJA, DURANZNO, MANGO MANGO MANGOOO, VAGINA!! All of the slang spanish that we came up with -- Lo sient, grace, tam, perf, etc. Screaming at the tourists, telling them how much I hated them. Crafternooning. Blackout. Planking everything. The oreo milkshakes from The Meeting Place. The Cure from Los Peros. How often we talked about our poops. When sriracha came into the picture!!! InkaTeam 3rd floor. San Blas. White chocolate macadamian nut cookies!!!! Gretels. Love affair cookies. Chicken for 5 soles. The Haucachina night. I'm going to miss when shit got weird. PachaFupa. I'm going to miss how everyone knew where to find me when Dirty Bit started to play. Getting hyphy to all the prime InkaTeam music! "Excuse me sir, but would you like a therapeutic massage?" Making guacamole at the San Pedro house. There's so much more..

What I'm not going to miss: being sick for 3 months.... I wish I could just forget about how horrible that was. How the water shut off at 1030-11pm everyday. How I didn't get used to the altitude my entire stay, I'll forever and always remember hate having to walk up 3 sets of stairs to get to the top bedroom. The cold. The fucking freezing cold. I thought I was moving to a tropical country. Oh I for sure was mistaken. I didn't appreciate you Cusco when you forced me to wear 3 tshirts, a poncho, sweat pants, shorts, alpaca socks, and a toque to bed every night. My bathroom shower. Why did I have to find out about the secret second floor bathroom 5 days before I left? WHY?! I'm not going to miss seeing dogs being raped. Gross. Having to say goodbye to so many people far too soon. Bus rides, bus rides, bus rides!!! Missing food from back home. Potatoes... Having to throw toilet paper in the trash can. Or not having any toilet paper in general. I'm not going to miss having to drink shower water in Augas Calientes because I couldn't afford bottled water. Def not going to miss when men would grab me and force me to go into The Lek. Your club sucked, I hate you. I won't miss Molino one bit!

I'm sorry for how disorganized this post is. But that was my life down there. I'LL MISS YOU CUSCO, CUSCO, CUSCOOOOOO!!

17 Hour Bus Rides + Haucachina

Hola, mis amigos! That's the extent of my Spanish, get over it. In my attempt to shower, since I haven't since last Sunday, it didn't happen. I just finished watching a movie, and with my luck the water was already turned off. Bullocks. So I decided it's time to update the Abbyites. I arrived home from Haucachina yesterday afternoon, and I wish that wasn't the case. Why was I forced to leave paradise to good 'ole cold Cusco? Oh yeah, because Peru hates me and wants me to be freezing 24/7. Anyways, I'll start with the bus ride. We boarded the bus and as soon as I sat down I burnt my foot on a heat register. I later found out that this heater didn't turn off. For 17 hours I got to enjoy it being 25 degrees. It didn't help with the screaming baby who sounded like a baby raptor trying to eat it's mother. Oh, I almost forgot the rabid vomit it was spewing the entire time as well. During this same bus ride a semi truck was broken down and took up the entire road. So we had to wait about an hour in the blaring heat. I then took the liberty to run into the sand and had a mini photo shoot. We also drove past the Nazca Lines. So whenever somebody asks if I saw them I can brag about it. When we arrived in Ica ( 10 minutes away from Haucachina) we were all in awe from the sand dunes that surrounded us.

We all crammed into a tiny taxi and made our way to the hostal. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! If I was ever asked what my paradise would be I would have to say it would be the palm trees, the pool, the bar, the yellow beach chairs, being surround my sand mountains, and of course, the heat; a.k.a. our hostal. We got in around 230p so we just stripped and threw our nasty 17-hour bus ridden bodies in the pool. The next day we booked our sand boarding/sand buggying trip for 4p. So we had a repeat of the day before and cooked our bodies in the sun until then. When 4p rolled around we all jumped into our buggy and climbed bodies of sand at stupid speed. The sand buggying was probably the best ride I've ever been on. Dropping down steep ass hills and getting air was such an adrenaline rush! The driver finally stopped, gave us our sand boards and told us to have at'er. So I tried to go down standing up and failed horribly. Apparently they don't make sand boards in Peru that fit my caucasian feet; so I fell because my feet unstrapped themselves. Awesome. So I was forced to go down either sitting or on my stomach. I decided that going boarding on my ass wasn't working for me because I was too fat or something. I remember getting super angry and yelling I was too fat at the top of my lungs, and proceeding to roll down the hill because I was bored. With about 15 other people surrounding me. Whoops. After that incident I said fuck it and went down the hills on my belly. Note to self if I ever sand board again, don't do so while screaming. Eating sand isn't my favourite thing to do. While boarding there were two separate occasions where I almost said, "No thanks, take me home." They were the steepest things I've ever seen in my life that I was supposed to hurl my body down (minus bungee jumping). So I grew some balls, 4 apparently, and almost died. The first one I went down it at like 23524 km/hr, which threw my sunglasses off, gave me a mouthful of sand, and gave me snot rockets out of both my nostrils. Attractive, I know. It was SO painful, but worth every second! Okay, but the last hill we went down... I think I peed a little when I saw it. People looked like ants at the bottom of it, and every single time they got to the bottom every single person biffed it, looking like they broke every bone in their body. So I manned up, grew another set of balls (I'm at 6 now) and went face first. I just remember a mixture of screaming, thinking I was going to be killed by Worms (movie reference), and the poop I was about to let release. I survived without bailing. Just barely, though.

After that it we were in definite need of beer. So we went to a different hostal with a nice restaurant and kicked it there for a couple hours. The two Aussies, Kait and Ruth, that came with us, as well as Chad, surprised Rachel and I with tickets to the Paraca Islands. Rachel and I didn't plan to go with them because of our situation, the situation of us being broke, homeless people. Love them to death. But anyways, we got home to our hostal and thought we were going straight to bed because we had to leave at 630a, but walked right into a massive party. They thought it was a good idea to open the club that resided right outside of our room's door on the night we actually need to be up early. Perfect. The next idea in our heads was to pull an all-nighter. That was def a night to remember. 630a rolled around and we climbed into a 1 hour bus to the ocean. I loved every second of it until I started to die from being so tired. The boat ride was two hours and seeing all of the caves reminded me of The Goonies (another movie reference). We saw about 3 million birds, penguins, sea lions, and dolphins. Another crazy experience!

We came home, had a long nap, and just lounged all day until we had to get on another 17 hour bus ride. I hated that I had to leave my paradise back to an icicle. Okay, lets talk about the bus ride home... Between the man who sounded like he swallowed the baby raptor human the first bus ride. Yes, his snoring was that bad. And the person who I sat beside who slept on me the entire ride and his potent smell of rotten ham; bus ride number dos was much worse. Chad actually took a recording of this man snoring and we listened to it the next day, holy shit. I have never heard anything more repulsive in my life. I'm really not going to miss these long ass bus rides when I get home.

That was my Haucachina and Paraca adventure that I'll never forget! And now I'm about to leave in 5 hours to go on a 4 day trek to Machu Picchu that I'll never forget for a different reason. That reason being because I'll have my legs amputated. Can't waaaaaaait! There will be a blog post about this event when I get back.

Last Month In Peru

No, I haven't died. You would think so after not posting for a month, but I'm here, holding on by a thin thread. (Me being dramatic) I would just like to say that Peru hates me, and does not want me to be a healthy being ever. Would you like me to list off all the diseases that I've accumulated on my "Peru-Wants-Me-Dead-List"? Okay, I will:

1) A cold for 2 weeks

2) A parasite

3) Food poisoning

4) Another cold for 3 weeks

5) And finally, I currently have bronchitis

Right now I would like to be cuddled up in my own bed, squeezing Chairman Meow, and being warm for once. I miss the feeling of not being able to feel my lungs. What a weird thing to say...

Anyways. What the fuck has happened in the past month? I don't know, I don't even remember yesterday. I hate you. Let me start off with the Amazon jungle. SO, I went to Manu for a week. Sammie, Rachel and I thought it was the best idea to get absolutely blackout drunk, and pull an all nighter for our 10 bus ride. When will I ever learn that travelling while drunk/hungover is the worst possible idea? Never? Sorry Chad. Okay, moving on. We were being picked up at 5am, so it was a good idea to leave the club at 430am. The people on the bus didn't appreciate our drunken shennanies, I'm sure. After 10 hours of being thrown into the isle, hitting our heads on the roof, getting stuck in my poncho, sideways, where your feet are supposed to go, and almost puking for about 5 hours, we arrived. The jungle thought it would be a good idea to introduce it to us by giving us a thunder and lightening storm as soon as we got out of the bus. Good thing I bought a waterproof NorthFace jacket that wasn't waterproof at all. I'm now going to just throw the entire week into one long run-on sentence. It was so hot that I constantly had a shiny coat of sticky sweat on my body, I climbed a trail in my lime-green gringo pants and ripped a hole in the crotch while I was free-balling, the monkeys loved me and sleeping on my bed, I was eaten alive by bugs, I bathed everyday in a river, there was so much down time that the only thing to do was chain smoke, a friend and I power-smoked a cigarette in two minutes for fun (not fun), the food was vegetarian everyday but fucking delicious, we slept in an open bungalow by a river and fell asleep to that noise every night, I met some pretty awesome people there, we got day drunk at 11am, and I miss that jungle heat so much right now. That was my jungle experience.

Now what do I talk about? Oh, I have a new placement. I work in a daycare with about 20 two year olds. I love it to death, and I love getting to see their chubby faces every day. Even if they are snotty, smell like shit, spit, bite, won't eat their food, won't listen to a word you say, scream, fight, spit a full mouth of rice on you, and throw each other off of tables making me catch them in mid-air. What isn't there not to love about that? Naw, I kid.

The house has changed again. Sammie and Rachel are the only people who were here before I moved in. We finally have a full house again, and it was loud at dinner. That was a weird thing to have. I have yet to judge the new volunteers until I see them at InkaTeam; but only when I'm cured of my bronchy. On the topic of InkaTeam, I met a Peruvian Princess, who didn't turn out to be that at all. That is all I'll say on that topic.

I have 3 weeks left in Peru until I'm finally leaving. Which is a weird thought, because it still feels like I've been here for a couple of weeks, but a year at the same time... If that makes sense. I don't know, I'm ready to come home, but I'll miss this culture to death. I'll especially miss partying with all of these crazy folk I've met. I'm rambling, and I'm rambling because people are forcing me to blog. Jerks.

OH, I almost forgot, I'm finally going to Machu Picchu. I'll be gone from July 15th-18th. A lot of treking, a lot of biking, a lot of me complaining because I've quit smoking. I feel sorry for Chad, and Rachel (who I'm going with). Anyways, I'm sick, in my death bed, wearing my alpaca body suit, and super tired. So bed time it is. I promise you one more blog post after I get back from some stupid ruins, and shit.

Perf tambien Grace, Ciao Chicos.

P.S.- I don't even know how I've lasted two months with my Spanglish. How am I still living? No one knows...

Pet Peeves: Thanks To Peru

If you don't know me, let me tell you something; I have a lot of pet peeves. Pet peeves that make me grind my teeth, and occasionally lash out. Since living in Peru for a month I may have added more to my collection. ("May" being an understatement.) I feel like I need to compile a list of these goodies, for your entertainment, I guess. Lets start:

1) Being able to physically hear people drink water. If I can hear the water gushing down your throat I believe you have a problem. Waking up every morning to your, "I'm drowning, HELP!! -- never mind, I'm just thirsty", technique of drinking water is revolting, and unappreciated. Please learn from your mistakes, or else I'll switch your drinking water with tap water. Parasite? Whoops.

2) Ladies that ask me every two steps if I want a "massaje" or massage. No, if I wanted a massage, or should I say scrotum grab, from an overweight lady I would come up to your face and ask. When I say no, do not then ask me, "Maybe later?". Stop being so desperate to touch my naked body; even though I know it's a privilege for you.

3) Dry weekend. Because of the elections all of the clubs are closed, and places have stopped serving alcohol. Yes, I know it's just one weekend, but instead of being forced to blog out of boredom, I would like to be belligerently drunk right now. Call me an alcoholic.

4) Having to wait 6 years between meals in our house. My food baby does not like going so long without food, and I have to live with the consequences of him screaming, and kicking during these 6 years. Ouch.

5) When I walk the streets, and men ask me to eat in their restaurant. If I tell you no, there's no need to proceed to ask if I would like some grass or charlie. Charlie is coke. I didn't know restaurants here served such drugs with food. But good to know. Oh P.S.- man who ran passed me acknowledging me like my name was Charlie, the answer is still no.

6) Lucy. We have an on-going war about my gringo pants, especially the lime green ones. No, they shouldn't be locked in your room and held up for ransom for one cigarette. Also, they shouldn't be thrown up on the umbrella in our courtyard, in the middle of the night. I will get you. I just haven't thought how yet.

7) Taxis. You don't have to beep at me 600 times just to ride in you. If I need a taxi, I will hail you down. Don't make me throw rocks at your windshield as you beep your horn at me. I'd rather not go to a Peruvian jail, thanks.

8) Random sellers on the street. You don't need to tell me I look cold, and that I need to buy your socks, mittens, hats, and or sweaters. I'm fine. People selling sunglasses, do you not see the sunglasses already on my face? Don't even get me started about people selling paintings. Because let me tell you, the next person who asks me, I'm going to start a bonfire... Staring such paintings you're trying to sell me. That's why I don't need your clothing, I'll already be warm.

9) Rosemary.

10) I'll leave number 10 blank, I feel like everyone who reads this will think I hate Peru. This is not the case. I just hate some of it's inhabitants. A lot.. =)

Peru Wants To Kill Me

Oh wow, I haven't posted in ages. I think it may have been due to me slightly dying for a period of time. The drugs finally killed parababy for good, and then I think I had strep-throat for a bit as well. But a couple of days ago a few of us decided to go see Taco Lady. I had to tag along because I've heard so many people in the house having mild orgasms about her tacos. 5 soles, and a couple hours later I was having very different orgasms. Orgasms in the form of vomit and diarrhea. Pleasant, right? The entire next day I did not leave my room until 7pm. I was very drugged up, and had really weird dreams about getting married, and ditching Peru to take an English class in London. But today I feel almost 100% better.

What else is going on? Well the group of friends I made when I first got here all have left. All 8 of them. La Florida is a lot different now. We have a platoon of new volunteers who are all pretty cool, but it's still not the same. It's a lot quieter now. I feel like I have to be twice as obnoxious just to make it seem the same.

A lot is happening in Peru right now. The election is coming up in the next week, and I've been told there's going to be a lot of riots everywhere. Apparently there were some riots in Puno and they burnt down a government building. Just yesterday all the taxis were on strike here in Cuzco. AND this weekend is supposed to be a dry weekend in the clubs. I'm not too impressed with this such news. My liver is screaming profanities. I've also heard that if one of the runners is elected that LAN airlines will vacate the country. Meaning all the volunteers will have to leave early. Hopefully this is not the case.

What am I doing for adventures soon? Next week I'll be going to the Amazon jungle to help with the jungle conservation. Meaning, I'll be fighting off bugs for the life of me. Playing with monkeys that stay in the house. Showering in a waterfall everyday. Also going to bed at 7pm because there's no electricity. I'll also be going sand boarding sometime soon. Sand boarding sand dunes that eventually take you to an oasis city. Why does this sound like it's straight out of a movie? I'm stoked.

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I don't know what else to tell you. So here's some pictures of my recent activities.

Picture 1: This is what happens when you come to Peru, it vomits all over you.

Picture 2: This is the taco that killed me.

Picture 3: Fuck Shit Up

Picture 4: The kids at my new placement.

Picture 5: Balloons?

Picture 6: Hairless dog in the restaurant we were eating at. Lost appetite? YUP.

Never Trust A Peruvian Asian

Guess where I am? I’m sitting in a cement soccer field. A cement soccer field that we were supposed to pay to get into, but we just jumped the fence. Whoops. So what’s up with me the past couple of days... Hmmm. So the group went to a restaurant to eat some din. We ended up leaving one because it was far too expensive. So we were bombarded by an army of Peruvians to come into their establishment. Screaming, and throwing their menus at us. We all finally picked one (after Jesse saw hamburgers on the menu...) We walked up the stairs to get there, and to our surprise it was only us in there. It’s a rule of thumb to not eat at places where there aren’t any people because you don’t know if their food is fresh or not. Anyways, we said screw it. Jesse accidentally brought a different restaurant’s menu up with us, but the server said that it was alright that people ordered off of it. We all took our orders, and while we were waiting for our food, a man off the street selling his paintings came up to our massive table and tried to force his artwork on us. I almost yelled some profanities at him. After five minutes he regained some sense, and left. We then noticed a man with bagged food go into the kitchen. So apparently the people who ordered off the other menu got take-out from a different restaurant. That sure was a treat. So we all got our food, and then to our surprise (not) a group of men walked right up to where we were sitting, set up a bunch of instruments, and serenaded us with their flutes and drums during dinner. I hated every second of it. It was so loud that we had to scream at each other to hear anything. They finished up, then asked for tips, and to buy their C.D. I spat on their shoes.... I didn't actually, but I wish I did. We then booked shit out of that sketch-pot restaurant.

Oh, I have another food related story. So Nicole, Ryan, Emily, Rik and I decided that we were hungry for Chinese food. We all ordered, and everyone got their food except for me. Just my luck, right? So Nicole went up to the server and asked if it was coming and if I could get it for free since I had been waiting for 45 minutes. He agreed, and took my order for the second time, then asked if I wanted it for take-out, so I said yes. I finally got it, drenched it with soy sauce because we didn't have any at our house, and to my surprise I found a ripped up piece of paper place nicely on top of my food. I think they didn't like me. We got our bill and oh joy, I still had to pay. Nicole then started to stick up for me in Spanish. 20 minutes later of arguing with the owner, they took my food away, and yet again, we booked shit out of that sketch-pot restaurant. The story doesn't stop there. Emily and I left to go home, and everyone else went to the pharmacy. Nicole realized she had forgotten her purse there, and endured a walk of shame back to the fancy establishment. They held her purse for ransom for 15 soles. The price of my meal. Apparently they were angry I soaked my food in soy sauce. Angry that they couldn't resell the food to someone else. Nicole paid the price, and Ryan told the owner to "go fuck her mother." I feel like it was necessary to pay the 15 soles, just so he could say that. I was content. Note to self: never trust a Peruvian Asian.

So latest news in the life of Taylor James, I have a parasite. I've been feeling like pure shiet for the past week and a half, and decided it was finally time to call the doctor. I think it was a good idea to call him since I woke up with a swollen tongue, and could barely talk. So I paid 60 soles to see him, and he told me my throat was red, and that the symptoms I have concluded to me carrying a parababy. So he prescribed me with some drugs that I paid 35 soles for. I hate wasting money on drugs when I could be buying 2.50 sol burgers. Maybe that's where the parababy came from..

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I don't want to upload pictures. The parababy is kicking and I need to have a nap. Sorry kids.

Tjames On Fuego

I feel so behind on blogging. I feel this way because people are harassing me to write more... Bastards, I'm having too much fun here. Okay, let us start with horse back riding. So. My horse was named Pacha. Pacha was not very enjoyable to be partnered with. Pacha had a mind of his own. If he didn't like the way I told him to go, he would take his own route; even if that meant into the forest away from the group. Or when he thought it would be a good idea to run into a neighbouring field, leaving the group yet again, and making friends with a rando horse. I didn't think it was much fun when he was screaming and about ready to buck me off. Pacha had his own pace, meaning I was miles away behind the group, and when I tried to kick him he would not budge. Pacha and I didn't get along very well. As you can probably tell.

After being sacked, and my ass being bruised from horse back riding Jesse, Megan and I thought it would be a good idea to go for massages. As soon as we got out of our taxi we were mauled by two women who wanted our business. So we went with them after we asked if we could all be in the same room. We got to the building, the women separated me from them, took me up sketchy stairs, walked through an empty room into a small room with two other rooms. She brought me into a room and told me to undress. Let me tell you something, this room was only big enough for a bed and a person to walk around this bed. I thought I was going to be sold to the sex trade. Anyways, I told her I wanted an one hour full body massage, and she agreed. So she starts working on my bod, it was pleasant. She got to my lower back, and thought it was necessary to mount my ass and use her elbows. Okay, that was fine. But then she decided that it was also a good idea to mount the top of my head (vag -> head). She was a bigger Peruvian lady. I was distraught, but I pushed through. After awhile she started massaging my legs, so she pushed my boxers up to reveal my bum, sure, I was fine with that. She started low on my leg, then went higher, higher, higher, ohhh, whoops. She grabbed my scrotum. I was not alright with this. Not only was I not alright with this the first time, but the second time I was starting to think I was getting a happy ending. But after the scrote grab, and the butt massage, I was done. Done to run as fast as I could after giving her 20 soles; equivalent to 7 Canadian dollars. I felt dirty.

I don't even want to talk about Lake Titicaca because I'm just going to be bitching the entire time. Yeah, it was beautiful and shit, but I don't think it was worth the 7 hour bus ride to get there and back, and the 3-4 hour boat ride to get to the island. Oh don't let me forget to tell you about how our boat broke down like 45 times... There was too much hiking involved that I didn't anticipate. Please Peruvians, please tell me why everything is at least an hour hike uphill to get anywhere. I don't appreciate it. But yes, we stayed in a homestay with a family. They fed us 600 potatoes for lunch and dinner, then provided us with beds that had cement pillows. Then forced us to wear ponchos and dance with them. I just wanted my own bed.

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Some photos of lake tits and cock.