Tjames On Fuego

I feel so behind on blogging. I feel this way because people are harassing me to write more... Bastards, I'm having too much fun here. Okay, let us start with horse back riding. So. My horse was named Pacha. Pacha was not very enjoyable to be partnered with. Pacha had a mind of his own. If he didn't like the way I told him to go, he would take his own route; even if that meant into the forest away from the group. Or when he thought it would be a good idea to run into a neighbouring field, leaving the group yet again, and making friends with a rando horse. I didn't think it was much fun when he was screaming and about ready to buck me off. Pacha had his own pace, meaning I was miles away behind the group, and when I tried to kick him he would not budge. Pacha and I didn't get along very well. As you can probably tell.

After being sacked, and my ass being bruised from horse back riding Jesse, Megan and I thought it would be a good idea to go for massages. As soon as we got out of our taxi we were mauled by two women who wanted our business. So we went with them after we asked if we could all be in the same room. We got to the building, the women separated me from them, took me up sketchy stairs, walked through an empty room into a small room with two other rooms. She brought me into a room and told me to undress. Let me tell you something, this room was only big enough for a bed and a person to walk around this bed. I thought I was going to be sold to the sex trade. Anyways, I told her I wanted an one hour full body massage, and she agreed. So she starts working on my bod, it was pleasant. She got to my lower back, and thought it was necessary to mount my ass and use her elbows. Okay, that was fine. But then she decided that it was also a good idea to mount the top of my head (vag -> head). She was a bigger Peruvian lady. I was distraught, but I pushed through. After awhile she started massaging my legs, so she pushed my boxers up to reveal my bum, sure, I was fine with that. She started low on my leg, then went higher, higher, higher, ohhh, whoops. She grabbed my scrotum. I was not alright with this. Not only was I not alright with this the first time, but the second time I was starting to think I was getting a happy ending. But after the scrote grab, and the butt massage, I was done. Done to run as fast as I could after giving her 20 soles; equivalent to 7 Canadian dollars. I felt dirty.

I don't even want to talk about Lake Titicaca because I'm just going to be bitching the entire time. Yeah, it was beautiful and shit, but I don't think it was worth the 7 hour bus ride to get there and back, and the 3-4 hour boat ride to get to the island. Oh don't let me forget to tell you about how our boat broke down like 45 times... There was too much hiking involved that I didn't anticipate. Please Peruvians, please tell me why everything is at least an hour hike uphill to get anywhere. I don't appreciate it. But yes, we stayed in a homestay with a family. They fed us 600 potatoes for lunch and dinner, then provided us with beds that had cement pillows. Then forced us to wear ponchos and dance with them. I just wanted my own bed.

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Some photos of lake tits and cock.

BAJA, BAJA, BAJA, BAJA!

It has been one full week since I've been here, and I already feel like a local. A local that doesn't know how to speak Spanish... Oh well, I finally booked my free week of Spanish lessons, so hopefully that will help me out. I won't have to pretend to say something back to people in my own Spanish, aka jibberish.. Anyways, what have I been up to, you may be wondering.

Well, I have just been walking around town, sitting in plazas, going into shops, buying 600 bracelets, and necklaces. When I come home, you may not know me anymore. This one week that I've been here I've turned into a hippy. I wear my lime green Gringo pants everyday that look like Aladdin pants, I wear a bandanna, and wear the 600 bracelets I talk about above. Oh, and I don't shower. Maybe it's a good thing I'm in a foreign country, so your noses are still connected to your faces. No, I only joke. I smell good, sometimes...

Food. Oh my goodness. Food. I have never felt so starved in my life. Breakfast consists of yogurt, bread, and weird cereals. Lunch consists of beans, rice, and bread. Dinner is mystery meat that has been sitting on the counter all day, with veggies, and bread. The worst so far has been puree broccoli... I didn't know I looked like a new born baby, or an 80 year old man with no teeth. Always say no to puree broccoli. I always have to go out after a meal to inhale something else. Or just buy a bag of animal crackers that is the size of a small baby, and eat that in one sitting. Or a burger with a wiener in it that comes to less than $1. Sketchy, but cheap.

Now let's move on to the workers who clean our house every day. Around 9am we have cleaners come into our room, make our beds, and fold the clothes on the ground. I feel so sorry for these people. Do you want to know why? Because they think it's normal to fold your dirty underwear. Dirty underwear that I wore for days travelling across the world. I hope she was wearing gloves... Poor unsuspecting Peruvian woman that probably died from the gouch oder. Oh lets not forget about the time I saw a cleaner spraying something in my room, which I thought was febreze, but oh no, it was my Axe that the cleaner stole out of my bag in the bathroom. I thought the male cleaner smelt like my pit-stick. Thief. I guess it's payback for the touching of my dirty undies.

Um. So. I went bungee jumping. Can you believe it? Because coming from the person who is deathly afraid of heights, I can't believe it. Let me tell you about it. Well, so they strapped me into a harness and feet straps, and shoved me into a small cage, like I was a rabid animal. I sure as hell felt like one the entire time the cage was being sucked up into the sky. When I finally got to the top, the man opened the gate, told me to step out on a 2mm wide platform, and counted down from 3. I gave him a death glare, and then he told me to take my time. While I was on this platform, the bungee cord was pulling me out of the cage. Pretty sure at that point I was prairie dogging. I then proceeded to look down to the ground. Bad idea, because then I actually did drop a douce in my pants. Anyways, he started to count down again, I took a deep breath in, and threw myself out of the cage to my death. I opened my eyes, couldn't breath, but when I finally did the first words out of my mouth were, "HOLLLY FUUUCK!!!". I think after that my stomach was thrown out of my mouth. Weirdest, but the best feeling I've ever experienced (not the projectile stomach, the free-falling.) The whip-lash got me good, I looked like a rag-doll apparently. So after I finished my 3 bounces, I was just dangling upside down. During this time it felt like my feet were slipping through the feet braces. I actually contemplated if I would live if I fell from that high. That was the worst part of bungee jumping. Sorry Mum, but I'm still alive, calm down. The next couple days after it felt like I worked out for 12 hours straight. But I'm so happy I actually went through with it!

Some little bits of info since being here. You can get absolutely anything at El Molino (the black market). I have my own separate water tank, meaning I get hot showers when everyone else in the house doesn't. Baha. I have a wicked sandal tan line. I drink gallons of tea a day. The toilet paper smells like baby wipes, and you're not allowed to flush it down the toilet. I sleep in a room where it's like -0 at all times. The house I live in is like The Real World. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing yet. I saw a bumble bee the size of my fist today. I shove all my clothes under my bed. I'm shaving my stache tomorrow...

Oh, I didn't end up going to Machu Picchu. I'm going to do a 4 day trek later in June through a different company, who are a lot cheaper. But I'm super excited for this week though, I'm going to the zoo tomorrow, as well as horse-back riding for 4 hours. Then this weekend I'm going to Lake Titicaca (or what I have renamed to Lake Tits-and-Cock.) Oh, sorry again mother dearest.

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Photo time? Yeeee bitch!