The Updated Life of Tjames

Oh hello there. It's your friendly neighbourhood baristud!! Just thought I would stop by and give you bitch tits a little update. I miss coming to this blog, it reminds me far too much of Peru and how whenever I would be blogging it would be about how my balls were fondled, or about my disease collection. Such good memories... I neglect it far too much because I don't have stories like these anymore. Canada is boring I guess.

Well. Life is for sure different. Or should I say it will be different shortly. I'm still working at Starbucks, (lifer), and have been since August. 40 hours a week. I feel like a real adult. Except for the fact that when my shift is done I reek like I took a coffee shower, and have foam all over my body.. What? That's not what real adults look like after a shift at work? Awkward. Anyways, 40 hours a week. Yes. With time to play on the weekends, of course. Sometimes on week days. Whoops. ANYWAYS. Life will def be different shortly. I'm going back to school in January, taking 4 100 level classes because my university sucks and gives me shitty registration dates... Thanks UFV. So welcome me back to the student life of procrastination. Oh, and I'm also moving back home in February with my fam jam. Which will be weird since I've been on my own for the past year. It'll be good though. Three words: home cooked meals... TALK DIRTY!

So with these life changes I'll be working less, most likely partying more, and writing papers into the wee hours of the morning. Can't wait for the last one... But the one thing that I'm absolutely looking forward to is visiting my friend Rachel that I met in Peru!! This will be happening in Feb. and it can't come soon enough. I need a mini vaca. I need to get out of Abby. To visit the states. It'll be a nice refreshing trip with my bestie with testies to visit my Peruvian sister in SanFran. Shit will def get weird, and I can't wait! Can you say HYPHY?

On another totally unrelated topic, it's almost the new year. Where did this year go?! How did it slip by so fast? This is by far the best year that I lived through in my short 21 years of life. So many positive things have happened in my life. Such as finding some of the most amazing friends that I could have ever asked for. I can honestly say that every person in my life this year has changed it for the better. The ones in Canada, and especially the ones I met travelling in Peru. Love my besties!

PERU! I can't even leave this out of this post. It has, to this date, been the best 3 months of my life. I learned so much while living there, from being on my own in a foreign country, meeting over one hundred people from all over the world, and just diving into the culture. It taught me the best life lesson, to just go with the flow and live carefree. It brought out my inner hippy, and I love it. I miss it every day and all of the wonderful people I met there. I also greatly miss not showering for a week at a time... I smite you hygiene!!

What else can I rant about? Are you even reading anymore? Shut up, this is tjames' blog, of course you still are. WELL, I don't even know. I'm sad that this year will officially be over in a couple of weeks. But this means that I get to try and make this coming year even better than the last. I don't know how I'll top this, but I'll try my hardest, all the while updating you creeps!

Have a great Christmas + New Years, and have a drink for me... or 600..!!

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Listen to my finger. Take a break, breath, enjoy life, tell a friend you appreciate them, and then have a beer bong!!

Scooter Fail

Holla, holla, holla! So, I don't know how to jump into this post subtly, except to say I crashed my scooter.... Yes, you did read correctly; I was viciously thrown off of the Red Rocket at 100 km/hr, thrown into the windshield of a car, ricocheted into a ditch, and I can still say that I survived ! Okay, that was a lie, but wouldn't that make me so much cooler in life if it were true? No, in all honestly I decided last Thursday that it would be a beautiful idea to drive scooty while it was snowing, when CLEARLY I knew this was not alright. I was driving along a side road (the main roads were still fine), lost traction, fish-tailed and slid with scoot on its side. Do you want to know what the shitty part of this story? Well it's all shitty, but the shittier end? Three separate cars saw me fall down, and all three cars didn't even stop. RUDE AND UNCALLED FOR!!

So after the nearly lethal fall, I picked the bitch-tit up, dragged it to the side of the road, and decided it was a great time to have a smoke break. I think I muttered (screamed) a list of profanities during this relaxing break of mine. So the next part of this story includes me walking on the side of a road, in the snow, pushing a scooter, wearing a helmut, and having cars fly by me spewing dirty slush all over my body. But I don't like remembering that part.

I didn't live far from where I crashed, so walking it home wasn't that bad of an idea, until my travels took me to a hill. A hill where every time I tried to push scoot up I slid down. I threw my helmut off, took another little break, and decided to ditch her in an abandoned parking lot, residing in the humble parking lot of "Fas Gas". This was Thursday night... It's now Monday night and she's still resting in that same stall.

Long story long, I went back the next day to pick her up and every time I gave her gas, she sputtered out. Just like how my love has sputtered out when she decided to almost kill me. I'm heartbroken. And forced to travel on foot. I hate the snow.

Death Cab

Oh hi there. Aren't you going to welcome me back? No? I hate you. I'm here, get over it. Anyways, a couple of weeks ago a few friends and I ventured out to Vancouver to go see Death Cab For Cutie in concert. This has always been my life long dream since Seth from the O.C. basically made them famous. I love their music to death and was so excited to see them FINALLY in concert!

The tickets my friend ended up buying were on the floor (my first time) so that made me even more excited. We got there and ended up being right up against the fence. SO CLOSE TO THEM THAT I COULD SEE THE SWEAT BEADING ON THEIR FACES! Not really, but now you get the idea. But these floor tickets brought out a weird crowd.

For example:

1) Crazy drugged up girl beside me that looked like she was having a seizure when shaking her head.

2) Crazy drunk girl who screamed at me that we all suck because we weren't as sloppy as her.

3) The same crazy drunk girl who started to grind up on me... At a Death Cab concert.

4) That SAME drunk girl who forced me to high five her.

I was so nervous. But the concert made up for all of the crazies! The only thing that I would change about the concert is for them to have played "A Lack Of Colour". But other than that, all my hopes and dreams are now fulfilled!

P.S.-- I'm super nervous as to how you can check to see how people got linked to my blog. Because I checked them today and it said that I had one person search for "Tjames nudes".... WHY IS SOMEONE TRYING TO LOOK FOR MY NUDES? I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD ANY!!!

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I took some videos and pictures (NOT OF ME NAKED, CALM YOURSELVES) but since we were right at the front there was a bass speaker ruining everything. This is what I ended up getting.

5 (8) Awesome Baristas!

Hello, my dear readers. I've come back to you. From a far away land called work -- yes, I'm always working. Quite possibly with a little play as well. Soooo, I've come here to update you people on a little treat that I've been doing with my spare time. Recently my room mate and I, Merry, auditioned to get on a YouTube channel. This channel is totally related to Starbucks in all ways, hence the name "5 Awesome Baristas".

Let me give you the jist of it. Every Friday Mlou and I will be uploading a new video on a Starbucks related topic. We're usually good while filming in the beginning. We keep on topic for a little while. But then it turns into something else. There may be footage of us dancing. Maybe even a little pouring a pound of coffee beans over my head. I heard about Merry wearing a blanket as a turban as well? Weird, and yet so good.

I figured since that I'm an irregular poster on this blog that I should probably update you kittens on what's happening in my life. This is just one of the hobbies that I've obtained, so let me go ahead and show you what I'm speaking of!

The first video is our audition to actually get on the channel.

This one is our first video after we made it to the channel. Just an introduction.

This little guy is about Starbucks Shared Planet, and being recycle-wise.

So like I said above, there will be new videos every Friday. So subscribe to our YouTube channel and enjoy our shenanigans weekly!

http://www.youtube.com/user/fiveawesomebaristas

Canada Living

This is the longest amount of time that I haven't blogged for since I started this page up. I find that kind of weird. But it's due to the fact that I feel like there's nothing really to talk about. When travelling in Peru there were so many events that happened to me that I could bitch about, but being back at home not so much. I've been hit with the reality of life since being home, aka having a real job, paying bills (or should I say Peruvian debt), and showering. I hate showering. But really, it was a hard experience trying to get back into the grind of North American society, and it still feels like I'm struggling with that at times. Why aren't there parades in my city every other day? Where are the obese Peruvian women trying to sell me things? Where are the dogs that I have to run away from in fear from getting rabies? Why haven't I been sick in the past month? Where's Gaby to make my meals? Why don't I live in a house with 20 other people anymore?? So many questions. Oh how I miss you Peru!

So, readers that may be wondering what I've been up to since being home from South America, what has tjames been getting up to? I work 40 hours a week making bevies at Starbucks. I got a hair cut because my flow got too greasy from not showering. (I'm joking). I still drive my little red scoot, although she's screaming in pain every time I start her up. I'm back living in the ghetto. I ate 600 oreos today to remind myself of my diet in Peru. Chairman Meow is fat and still screams at me. I've been relatively healthy since being home, no sicknesses! I guess Canada doesn't want me dead. I went camping twice with a group of amazing friends, let me tell you, shit got weird most of the time with them haha. All in all, I've just been trying to get back to my groove of Canadian living.

I still think about the things I did and people I met during my travels a lot, and I miss them with all my greasy, lime green gringo pants wearing heart. I hope that my future travels will bring me back together with them at some point!

Cuando en el Peru!!

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On a side note, I have no idea where this blog is going to go now. I think I'll just switch it back to a couple of monthly vents for your viewing pleasure. So stay tuned.

Back At Home

I'm currently sitting in my bed, back home in Abbotsford, wearing my poncho. I'm officially back home. It didn't hit me until a half hour ago that I'm really home again. Today was my first full day back in reality, and it feels so surreal. Having a cell phone is disgustingly beautiful. How easy it is to get a hold of someone is a weird thing to get used to again. I also rode scoot for the first time today. It was like I was a 5 year old boy just learning how to ride a bike again. Pure bliss. Seeing all of my friends again; I don't know what to say when I first see them. I've had a constant smile on my face since I landed in Vancouver. Oh, I also got my job back at Starbucks, I'll be working at Bakerview by the border! But here are the things that I'm really, really going to miss about living in Cusco.

I'm going to miss having 3 meals prepared for me every day. Having my room cleaned for me. Taking taxis anywhere in the city that costed next to nothing. Sitting out on the patio with everyone having "dessert", aka a smoke. Screaming I love you in Spanish at Gabby and Priscila. Going to InkaTeam and never having to pay for drinks. Dancing on top of the bar at Mythology. Not getting home till 5 or 6 in the morning, and every time Rosemary would judge us. That wearing lime green pants and a beater was a normal thing. Watching True Blood for 7 hours straight. Not caring about hygiene, what is it anyways? (P.S.- I've showered 3 days in a row for people reading this I met in Peru. Isn't that just disgusting??!) I'm going to miss all of the amazing sights I saw, and the people I shared them with. The people I met. I am going to miss all of you SO much you have absolutely no idea. Spending 1 week to 3 months with everyone is something I'll always remember. Even the people I didn't get along with, I'll miss you too. I'm going to miss being forced to live with 20 people in a house, with so many different personalities, from all walks of life. Real World La Florida! I'm going to miss Jacob from Patas and his extreme awkwardness. Gremlin after dark. Only washing my clothes twice in two months. Raiding the fridge and cupboards, even though it was the first rule we were told not to do. MANZANA, UVA, PAPAYA, PLATANO, NARANJA, DURANZNO, MANGO MANGO MANGOOO, VAGINA!! All of the slang spanish that we came up with -- Lo sient, grace, tam, perf, etc. Screaming at the tourists, telling them how much I hated them. Crafternooning. Blackout. Planking everything. The oreo milkshakes from The Meeting Place. The Cure from Los Peros. How often we talked about our poops. When sriracha came into the picture!!! InkaTeam 3rd floor. San Blas. White chocolate macadamian nut cookies!!!! Gretels. Love affair cookies. Chicken for 5 soles. The Haucachina night. I'm going to miss when shit got weird. PachaFupa. I'm going to miss how everyone knew where to find me when Dirty Bit started to play. Getting hyphy to all the prime InkaTeam music! "Excuse me sir, but would you like a therapeutic massage?" Making guacamole at the San Pedro house. There's so much more..

What I'm not going to miss: being sick for 3 months.... I wish I could just forget about how horrible that was. How the water shut off at 1030-11pm everyday. How I didn't get used to the altitude my entire stay, I'll forever and always remember hate having to walk up 3 sets of stairs to get to the top bedroom. The cold. The fucking freezing cold. I thought I was moving to a tropical country. Oh I for sure was mistaken. I didn't appreciate you Cusco when you forced me to wear 3 tshirts, a poncho, sweat pants, shorts, alpaca socks, and a toque to bed every night. My bathroom shower. Why did I have to find out about the secret second floor bathroom 5 days before I left? WHY?! I'm not going to miss seeing dogs being raped. Gross. Having to say goodbye to so many people far too soon. Bus rides, bus rides, bus rides!!! Missing food from back home. Potatoes... Having to throw toilet paper in the trash can. Or not having any toilet paper in general. I'm not going to miss having to drink shower water in Augas Calientes because I couldn't afford bottled water. Def not going to miss when men would grab me and force me to go into The Lek. Your club sucked, I hate you. I won't miss Molino one bit!

I'm sorry for how disorganized this post is. But that was my life down there. I'LL MISS YOU CUSCO, CUSCO, CUSCOOOOOO!!

17 Hour Bus Rides + Haucachina

Hola, mis amigos! That's the extent of my Spanish, get over it. In my attempt to shower, since I haven't since last Sunday, it didn't happen. I just finished watching a movie, and with my luck the water was already turned off. Bullocks. So I decided it's time to update the Abbyites. I arrived home from Haucachina yesterday afternoon, and I wish that wasn't the case. Why was I forced to leave paradise to good 'ole cold Cusco? Oh yeah, because Peru hates me and wants me to be freezing 24/7. Anyways, I'll start with the bus ride. We boarded the bus and as soon as I sat down I burnt my foot on a heat register. I later found out that this heater didn't turn off. For 17 hours I got to enjoy it being 25 degrees. It didn't help with the screaming baby who sounded like a baby raptor trying to eat it's mother. Oh, I almost forgot the rabid vomit it was spewing the entire time as well. During this same bus ride a semi truck was broken down and took up the entire road. So we had to wait about an hour in the blaring heat. I then took the liberty to run into the sand and had a mini photo shoot. We also drove past the Nazca Lines. So whenever somebody asks if I saw them I can brag about it. When we arrived in Ica ( 10 minutes away from Haucachina) we were all in awe from the sand dunes that surrounded us.

We all crammed into a tiny taxi and made our way to the hostal. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! If I was ever asked what my paradise would be I would have to say it would be the palm trees, the pool, the bar, the yellow beach chairs, being surround my sand mountains, and of course, the heat; a.k.a. our hostal. We got in around 230p so we just stripped and threw our nasty 17-hour bus ridden bodies in the pool. The next day we booked our sand boarding/sand buggying trip for 4p. So we had a repeat of the day before and cooked our bodies in the sun until then. When 4p rolled around we all jumped into our buggy and climbed bodies of sand at stupid speed. The sand buggying was probably the best ride I've ever been on. Dropping down steep ass hills and getting air was such an adrenaline rush! The driver finally stopped, gave us our sand boards and told us to have at'er. So I tried to go down standing up and failed horribly. Apparently they don't make sand boards in Peru that fit my caucasian feet; so I fell because my feet unstrapped themselves. Awesome. So I was forced to go down either sitting or on my stomach. I decided that going boarding on my ass wasn't working for me because I was too fat or something. I remember getting super angry and yelling I was too fat at the top of my lungs, and proceeding to roll down the hill because I was bored. With about 15 other people surrounding me. Whoops. After that incident I said fuck it and went down the hills on my belly. Note to self if I ever sand board again, don't do so while screaming. Eating sand isn't my favourite thing to do. While boarding there were two separate occasions where I almost said, "No thanks, take me home." They were the steepest things I've ever seen in my life that I was supposed to hurl my body down (minus bungee jumping). So I grew some balls, 4 apparently, and almost died. The first one I went down it at like 23524 km/hr, which threw my sunglasses off, gave me a mouthful of sand, and gave me snot rockets out of both my nostrils. Attractive, I know. It was SO painful, but worth every second! Okay, but the last hill we went down... I think I peed a little when I saw it. People looked like ants at the bottom of it, and every single time they got to the bottom every single person biffed it, looking like they broke every bone in their body. So I manned up, grew another set of balls (I'm at 6 now) and went face first. I just remember a mixture of screaming, thinking I was going to be killed by Worms (movie reference), and the poop I was about to let release. I survived without bailing. Just barely, though.

After that it we were in definite need of beer. So we went to a different hostal with a nice restaurant and kicked it there for a couple hours. The two Aussies, Kait and Ruth, that came with us, as well as Chad, surprised Rachel and I with tickets to the Paraca Islands. Rachel and I didn't plan to go with them because of our situation, the situation of us being broke, homeless people. Love them to death. But anyways, we got home to our hostal and thought we were going straight to bed because we had to leave at 630a, but walked right into a massive party. They thought it was a good idea to open the club that resided right outside of our room's door on the night we actually need to be up early. Perfect. The next idea in our heads was to pull an all-nighter. That was def a night to remember. 630a rolled around and we climbed into a 1 hour bus to the ocean. I loved every second of it until I started to die from being so tired. The boat ride was two hours and seeing all of the caves reminded me of The Goonies (another movie reference). We saw about 3 million birds, penguins, sea lions, and dolphins. Another crazy experience!

We came home, had a long nap, and just lounged all day until we had to get on another 17 hour bus ride. I hated that I had to leave my paradise back to an icicle. Okay, lets talk about the bus ride home... Between the man who sounded like he swallowed the baby raptor human the first bus ride. Yes, his snoring was that bad. And the person who I sat beside who slept on me the entire ride and his potent smell of rotten ham; bus ride number dos was much worse. Chad actually took a recording of this man snoring and we listened to it the next day, holy shit. I have never heard anything more repulsive in my life. I'm really not going to miss these long ass bus rides when I get home.

That was my Haucachina and Paraca adventure that I'll never forget! And now I'm about to leave in 5 hours to go on a 4 day trek to Machu Picchu that I'll never forget for a different reason. That reason being because I'll have my legs amputated. Can't waaaaaaait! There will be a blog post about this event when I get back.

Last Month In Peru

No, I haven't died. You would think so after not posting for a month, but I'm here, holding on by a thin thread. (Me being dramatic) I would just like to say that Peru hates me, and does not want me to be a healthy being ever. Would you like me to list off all the diseases that I've accumulated on my "Peru-Wants-Me-Dead-List"? Okay, I will:

1) A cold for 2 weeks

2) A parasite

3) Food poisoning

4) Another cold for 3 weeks

5) And finally, I currently have bronchitis

Right now I would like to be cuddled up in my own bed, squeezing Chairman Meow, and being warm for once. I miss the feeling of not being able to feel my lungs. What a weird thing to say...

Anyways. What the fuck has happened in the past month? I don't know, I don't even remember yesterday. I hate you. Let me start off with the Amazon jungle. SO, I went to Manu for a week. Sammie, Rachel and I thought it was the best idea to get absolutely blackout drunk, and pull an all nighter for our 10 bus ride. When will I ever learn that travelling while drunk/hungover is the worst possible idea? Never? Sorry Chad. Okay, moving on. We were being picked up at 5am, so it was a good idea to leave the club at 430am. The people on the bus didn't appreciate our drunken shennanies, I'm sure. After 10 hours of being thrown into the isle, hitting our heads on the roof, getting stuck in my poncho, sideways, where your feet are supposed to go, and almost puking for about 5 hours, we arrived. The jungle thought it would be a good idea to introduce it to us by giving us a thunder and lightening storm as soon as we got out of the bus. Good thing I bought a waterproof NorthFace jacket that wasn't waterproof at all. I'm now going to just throw the entire week into one long run-on sentence. It was so hot that I constantly had a shiny coat of sticky sweat on my body, I climbed a trail in my lime-green gringo pants and ripped a hole in the crotch while I was free-balling, the monkeys loved me and sleeping on my bed, I was eaten alive by bugs, I bathed everyday in a river, there was so much down time that the only thing to do was chain smoke, a friend and I power-smoked a cigarette in two minutes for fun (not fun), the food was vegetarian everyday but fucking delicious, we slept in an open bungalow by a river and fell asleep to that noise every night, I met some pretty awesome people there, we got day drunk at 11am, and I miss that jungle heat so much right now. That was my jungle experience.

Now what do I talk about? Oh, I have a new placement. I work in a daycare with about 20 two year olds. I love it to death, and I love getting to see their chubby faces every day. Even if they are snotty, smell like shit, spit, bite, won't eat their food, won't listen to a word you say, scream, fight, spit a full mouth of rice on you, and throw each other off of tables making me catch them in mid-air. What isn't there not to love about that? Naw, I kid.

The house has changed again. Sammie and Rachel are the only people who were here before I moved in. We finally have a full house again, and it was loud at dinner. That was a weird thing to have. I have yet to judge the new volunteers until I see them at InkaTeam; but only when I'm cured of my bronchy. On the topic of InkaTeam, I met a Peruvian Princess, who didn't turn out to be that at all. That is all I'll say on that topic.

I have 3 weeks left in Peru until I'm finally leaving. Which is a weird thought, because it still feels like I've been here for a couple of weeks, but a year at the same time... If that makes sense. I don't know, I'm ready to come home, but I'll miss this culture to death. I'll especially miss partying with all of these crazy folk I've met. I'm rambling, and I'm rambling because people are forcing me to blog. Jerks.

OH, I almost forgot, I'm finally going to Machu Picchu. I'll be gone from July 15th-18th. A lot of treking, a lot of biking, a lot of me complaining because I've quit smoking. I feel sorry for Chad, and Rachel (who I'm going with). Anyways, I'm sick, in my death bed, wearing my alpaca body suit, and super tired. So bed time it is. I promise you one more blog post after I get back from some stupid ruins, and shit.

Perf tambien Grace, Ciao Chicos.

P.S.- I don't even know how I've lasted two months with my Spanglish. How am I still living? No one knows...

Pet Peeves: Thanks To Peru

If you don't know me, let me tell you something; I have a lot of pet peeves. Pet peeves that make me grind my teeth, and occasionally lash out. Since living in Peru for a month I may have added more to my collection. ("May" being an understatement.) I feel like I need to compile a list of these goodies, for your entertainment, I guess. Lets start:

1) Being able to physically hear people drink water. If I can hear the water gushing down your throat I believe you have a problem. Waking up every morning to your, "I'm drowning, HELP!! -- never mind, I'm just thirsty", technique of drinking water is revolting, and unappreciated. Please learn from your mistakes, or else I'll switch your drinking water with tap water. Parasite? Whoops.

2) Ladies that ask me every two steps if I want a "massaje" or massage. No, if I wanted a massage, or should I say scrotum grab, from an overweight lady I would come up to your face and ask. When I say no, do not then ask me, "Maybe later?". Stop being so desperate to touch my naked body; even though I know it's a privilege for you.

3) Dry weekend. Because of the elections all of the clubs are closed, and places have stopped serving alcohol. Yes, I know it's just one weekend, but instead of being forced to blog out of boredom, I would like to be belligerently drunk right now. Call me an alcoholic.

4) Having to wait 6 years between meals in our house. My food baby does not like going so long without food, and I have to live with the consequences of him screaming, and kicking during these 6 years. Ouch.

5) When I walk the streets, and men ask me to eat in their restaurant. If I tell you no, there's no need to proceed to ask if I would like some grass or charlie. Charlie is coke. I didn't know restaurants here served such drugs with food. But good to know. Oh P.S.- man who ran passed me acknowledging me like my name was Charlie, the answer is still no.

6) Lucy. We have an on-going war about my gringo pants, especially the lime green ones. No, they shouldn't be locked in your room and held up for ransom for one cigarette. Also, they shouldn't be thrown up on the umbrella in our courtyard, in the middle of the night. I will get you. I just haven't thought how yet.

7) Taxis. You don't have to beep at me 600 times just to ride in you. If I need a taxi, I will hail you down. Don't make me throw rocks at your windshield as you beep your horn at me. I'd rather not go to a Peruvian jail, thanks.

8) Random sellers on the street. You don't need to tell me I look cold, and that I need to buy your socks, mittens, hats, and or sweaters. I'm fine. People selling sunglasses, do you not see the sunglasses already on my face? Don't even get me started about people selling paintings. Because let me tell you, the next person who asks me, I'm going to start a bonfire... Staring such paintings you're trying to sell me. That's why I don't need your clothing, I'll already be warm.

9) Rosemary.

10) I'll leave number 10 blank, I feel like everyone who reads this will think I hate Peru. This is not the case. I just hate some of it's inhabitants. A lot.. =)

Peru Wants To Kill Me

Oh wow, I haven't posted in ages. I think it may have been due to me slightly dying for a period of time. The drugs finally killed parababy for good, and then I think I had strep-throat for a bit as well. But a couple of days ago a few of us decided to go see Taco Lady. I had to tag along because I've heard so many people in the house having mild orgasms about her tacos. 5 soles, and a couple hours later I was having very different orgasms. Orgasms in the form of vomit and diarrhea. Pleasant, right? The entire next day I did not leave my room until 7pm. I was very drugged up, and had really weird dreams about getting married, and ditching Peru to take an English class in London. But today I feel almost 100% better.

What else is going on? Well the group of friends I made when I first got here all have left. All 8 of them. La Florida is a lot different now. We have a platoon of new volunteers who are all pretty cool, but it's still not the same. It's a lot quieter now. I feel like I have to be twice as obnoxious just to make it seem the same.

A lot is happening in Peru right now. The election is coming up in the next week, and I've been told there's going to be a lot of riots everywhere. Apparently there were some riots in Puno and they burnt down a government building. Just yesterday all the taxis were on strike here in Cuzco. AND this weekend is supposed to be a dry weekend in the clubs. I'm not too impressed with this such news. My liver is screaming profanities. I've also heard that if one of the runners is elected that LAN airlines will vacate the country. Meaning all the volunteers will have to leave early. Hopefully this is not the case.

What am I doing for adventures soon? Next week I'll be going to the Amazon jungle to help with the jungle conservation. Meaning, I'll be fighting off bugs for the life of me. Playing with monkeys that stay in the house. Showering in a waterfall everyday. Also going to bed at 7pm because there's no electricity. I'll also be going sand boarding sometime soon. Sand boarding sand dunes that eventually take you to an oasis city. Why does this sound like it's straight out of a movie? I'm stoked.

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I don't know what else to tell you. So here's some pictures of my recent activities.

Picture 1: This is what happens when you come to Peru, it vomits all over you.

Picture 2: This is the taco that killed me.

Picture 3: Fuck Shit Up

Picture 4: The kids at my new placement.

Picture 5: Balloons?

Picture 6: Hairless dog in the restaurant we were eating at. Lost appetite? YUP.

Never Trust A Peruvian Asian

Guess where I am? I’m sitting in a cement soccer field. A cement soccer field that we were supposed to pay to get into, but we just jumped the fence. Whoops. So what’s up with me the past couple of days... Hmmm. So the group went to a restaurant to eat some din. We ended up leaving one because it was far too expensive. So we were bombarded by an army of Peruvians to come into their establishment. Screaming, and throwing their menus at us. We all finally picked one (after Jesse saw hamburgers on the menu...) We walked up the stairs to get there, and to our surprise it was only us in there. It’s a rule of thumb to not eat at places where there aren’t any people because you don’t know if their food is fresh or not. Anyways, we said screw it. Jesse accidentally brought a different restaurant’s menu up with us, but the server said that it was alright that people ordered off of it. We all took our orders, and while we were waiting for our food, a man off the street selling his paintings came up to our massive table and tried to force his artwork on us. I almost yelled some profanities at him. After five minutes he regained some sense, and left. We then noticed a man with bagged food go into the kitchen. So apparently the people who ordered off the other menu got take-out from a different restaurant. That sure was a treat. So we all got our food, and then to our surprise (not) a group of men walked right up to where we were sitting, set up a bunch of instruments, and serenaded us with their flutes and drums during dinner. I hated every second of it. It was so loud that we had to scream at each other to hear anything. They finished up, then asked for tips, and to buy their C.D. I spat on their shoes.... I didn't actually, but I wish I did. We then booked shit out of that sketch-pot restaurant.

Oh, I have another food related story. So Nicole, Ryan, Emily, Rik and I decided that we were hungry for Chinese food. We all ordered, and everyone got their food except for me. Just my luck, right? So Nicole went up to the server and asked if it was coming and if I could get it for free since I had been waiting for 45 minutes. He agreed, and took my order for the second time, then asked if I wanted it for take-out, so I said yes. I finally got it, drenched it with soy sauce because we didn't have any at our house, and to my surprise I found a ripped up piece of paper place nicely on top of my food. I think they didn't like me. We got our bill and oh joy, I still had to pay. Nicole then started to stick up for me in Spanish. 20 minutes later of arguing with the owner, they took my food away, and yet again, we booked shit out of that sketch-pot restaurant. The story doesn't stop there. Emily and I left to go home, and everyone else went to the pharmacy. Nicole realized she had forgotten her purse there, and endured a walk of shame back to the fancy establishment. They held her purse for ransom for 15 soles. The price of my meal. Apparently they were angry I soaked my food in soy sauce. Angry that they couldn't resell the food to someone else. Nicole paid the price, and Ryan told the owner to "go fuck her mother." I feel like it was necessary to pay the 15 soles, just so he could say that. I was content. Note to self: never trust a Peruvian Asian.

So latest news in the life of Taylor James, I have a parasite. I've been feeling like pure shiet for the past week and a half, and decided it was finally time to call the doctor. I think it was a good idea to call him since I woke up with a swollen tongue, and could barely talk. So I paid 60 soles to see him, and he told me my throat was red, and that the symptoms I have concluded to me carrying a parababy. So he prescribed me with some drugs that I paid 35 soles for. I hate wasting money on drugs when I could be buying 2.50 sol burgers. Maybe that's where the parababy came from..

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I don't want to upload pictures. The parababy is kicking and I need to have a nap. Sorry kids.

Tjames On Fuego

I feel so behind on blogging. I feel this way because people are harassing me to write more... Bastards, I'm having too much fun here. Okay, let us start with horse back riding. So. My horse was named Pacha. Pacha was not very enjoyable to be partnered with. Pacha had a mind of his own. If he didn't like the way I told him to go, he would take his own route; even if that meant into the forest away from the group. Or when he thought it would be a good idea to run into a neighbouring field, leaving the group yet again, and making friends with a rando horse. I didn't think it was much fun when he was screaming and about ready to buck me off. Pacha had his own pace, meaning I was miles away behind the group, and when I tried to kick him he would not budge. Pacha and I didn't get along very well. As you can probably tell.

After being sacked, and my ass being bruised from horse back riding Jesse, Megan and I thought it would be a good idea to go for massages. As soon as we got out of our taxi we were mauled by two women who wanted our business. So we went with them after we asked if we could all be in the same room. We got to the building, the women separated me from them, took me up sketchy stairs, walked through an empty room into a small room with two other rooms. She brought me into a room and told me to undress. Let me tell you something, this room was only big enough for a bed and a person to walk around this bed. I thought I was going to be sold to the sex trade. Anyways, I told her I wanted an one hour full body massage, and she agreed. So she starts working on my bod, it was pleasant. She got to my lower back, and thought it was necessary to mount my ass and use her elbows. Okay, that was fine. But then she decided that it was also a good idea to mount the top of my head (vag -> head). She was a bigger Peruvian lady. I was distraught, but I pushed through. After awhile she started massaging my legs, so she pushed my boxers up to reveal my bum, sure, I was fine with that. She started low on my leg, then went higher, higher, higher, ohhh, whoops. She grabbed my scrotum. I was not alright with this. Not only was I not alright with this the first time, but the second time I was starting to think I was getting a happy ending. But after the scrote grab, and the butt massage, I was done. Done to run as fast as I could after giving her 20 soles; equivalent to 7 Canadian dollars. I felt dirty.

I don't even want to talk about Lake Titicaca because I'm just going to be bitching the entire time. Yeah, it was beautiful and shit, but I don't think it was worth the 7 hour bus ride to get there and back, and the 3-4 hour boat ride to get to the island. Oh don't let me forget to tell you about how our boat broke down like 45 times... There was too much hiking involved that I didn't anticipate. Please Peruvians, please tell me why everything is at least an hour hike uphill to get anywhere. I don't appreciate it. But yes, we stayed in a homestay with a family. They fed us 600 potatoes for lunch and dinner, then provided us with beds that had cement pillows. Then forced us to wear ponchos and dance with them. I just wanted my own bed.

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Some photos of lake tits and cock.

BAJA, BAJA, BAJA, BAJA!

It has been one full week since I've been here, and I already feel like a local. A local that doesn't know how to speak Spanish... Oh well, I finally booked my free week of Spanish lessons, so hopefully that will help me out. I won't have to pretend to say something back to people in my own Spanish, aka jibberish.. Anyways, what have I been up to, you may be wondering.

Well, I have just been walking around town, sitting in plazas, going into shops, buying 600 bracelets, and necklaces. When I come home, you may not know me anymore. This one week that I've been here I've turned into a hippy. I wear my lime green Gringo pants everyday that look like Aladdin pants, I wear a bandanna, and wear the 600 bracelets I talk about above. Oh, and I don't shower. Maybe it's a good thing I'm in a foreign country, so your noses are still connected to your faces. No, I only joke. I smell good, sometimes...

Food. Oh my goodness. Food. I have never felt so starved in my life. Breakfast consists of yogurt, bread, and weird cereals. Lunch consists of beans, rice, and bread. Dinner is mystery meat that has been sitting on the counter all day, with veggies, and bread. The worst so far has been puree broccoli... I didn't know I looked like a new born baby, or an 80 year old man with no teeth. Always say no to puree broccoli. I always have to go out after a meal to inhale something else. Or just buy a bag of animal crackers that is the size of a small baby, and eat that in one sitting. Or a burger with a wiener in it that comes to less than $1. Sketchy, but cheap.

Now let's move on to the workers who clean our house every day. Around 9am we have cleaners come into our room, make our beds, and fold the clothes on the ground. I feel so sorry for these people. Do you want to know why? Because they think it's normal to fold your dirty underwear. Dirty underwear that I wore for days travelling across the world. I hope she was wearing gloves... Poor unsuspecting Peruvian woman that probably died from the gouch oder. Oh lets not forget about the time I saw a cleaner spraying something in my room, which I thought was febreze, but oh no, it was my Axe that the cleaner stole out of my bag in the bathroom. I thought the male cleaner smelt like my pit-stick. Thief. I guess it's payback for the touching of my dirty undies.

Um. So. I went bungee jumping. Can you believe it? Because coming from the person who is deathly afraid of heights, I can't believe it. Let me tell you about it. Well, so they strapped me into a harness and feet straps, and shoved me into a small cage, like I was a rabid animal. I sure as hell felt like one the entire time the cage was being sucked up into the sky. When I finally got to the top, the man opened the gate, told me to step out on a 2mm wide platform, and counted down from 3. I gave him a death glare, and then he told me to take my time. While I was on this platform, the bungee cord was pulling me out of the cage. Pretty sure at that point I was prairie dogging. I then proceeded to look down to the ground. Bad idea, because then I actually did drop a douce in my pants. Anyways, he started to count down again, I took a deep breath in, and threw myself out of the cage to my death. I opened my eyes, couldn't breath, but when I finally did the first words out of my mouth were, "HOLLLY FUUUCK!!!". I think after that my stomach was thrown out of my mouth. Weirdest, but the best feeling I've ever experienced (not the projectile stomach, the free-falling.) The whip-lash got me good, I looked like a rag-doll apparently. So after I finished my 3 bounces, I was just dangling upside down. During this time it felt like my feet were slipping through the feet braces. I actually contemplated if I would live if I fell from that high. That was the worst part of bungee jumping. Sorry Mum, but I'm still alive, calm down. The next couple days after it felt like I worked out for 12 hours straight. But I'm so happy I actually went through with it!

Some little bits of info since being here. You can get absolutely anything at El Molino (the black market). I have my own separate water tank, meaning I get hot showers when everyone else in the house doesn't. Baha. I have a wicked sandal tan line. I drink gallons of tea a day. The toilet paper smells like baby wipes, and you're not allowed to flush it down the toilet. I sleep in a room where it's like -0 at all times. The house I live in is like The Real World. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing yet. I saw a bumble bee the size of my fist today. I shove all my clothes under my bed. I'm shaving my stache tomorrow...

Oh, I didn't end up going to Machu Picchu. I'm going to do a 4 day trek later in June through a different company, who are a lot cheaper. But I'm super excited for this week though, I'm going to the zoo tomorrow, as well as horse-back riding for 4 hours. Then this weekend I'm going to Lake Titicaca (or what I have renamed to Lake Tits-and-Cock.) Oh, sorry again mother dearest.

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Photo time? Yeeee bitch!

Update From The Dirty Bit

Hola dirtbags!! I am in love with Cusco! I don't even know where to start. The city is beautiful; despite all the poverty, hordes of dirty dogs, and crazy drivers who think that it's a good idea to almost kill people on a daily basis.

I feel like I can finally walk the streets without having the unsettling feeling I'm going to be raped and pillaged by a Peruvian monster. I'm glad I have conquered this. But I should tell you about the first day that I was here... I had my orientation at Maximo Nivel at 4pm, so I ended up walking there with another volunteer in my house. It was just a 20 minute walk down the main road. All was fine, until I had to walk home by myself. I went shopping for a bit, perusing Peru, if you will. Let me just say that every house looks pretty much the same, and it was horribly hard to find La Florida (my house). I ended up walking up and down alleyways thinking my house had a side-entrance (apparently I was drunk?). People were walking behind me, I thought I was going to die, I walked faster. 1 fucking hour later I found my stupid house. I hated my life. This was the only time, so far, that I've wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Oh nvm, I almost forgot about how I smashed the top of my head on a hobbit-sized door while running. I didn't know that concussions were included in the program fees...

On a lighter note, everyone in the volunteer house is pretty sick! There are a bunch of Canadians, and we segregate ourselves from the Americans by sitting at different tables for dinner. Jokes.. kind of. Anyways, some of the other Canadians and I have already thrown out plans to go travelling next summer, which would be pretty prime!

Today was my first 'real' day at my placement, and it's called Centro Comunitario Huayllarcocha. I work Monday-Fridays 830a-11a, but I'll probably end up staying longer, for example today I stayed till 1pm. I have to take a bus called a Combi, and I hate it with every cell in my body. It's like a minivan, except it doesn't seat 7 or so people. It fits enough people that sometimes you have to hold other people's babies, so I'm talking like about 15 people. Super stanky. Other than that, the community center is everything I hoped for! I'm not that helpful with trying to help the kids with their homework, since they don't speak English. But I have no problem connecting with the kids, playing games, getting them to read me books in Spanish, and playing chess. I ended up playing chess with two boys named Yojan and Paul for an hour. Of course they would own me at it, it's a board game! BAH!

But I won't be posting for awhile, I'm going drinking tomorrow night, bungee jumping on Friday, then to Machu Picchu for the weekend! Update when I get back!

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Ps- no photos today, I'm tired, sun-burnt, and just lazy as eff.

Oh Hi There, Peru

Baaaaah! So. I. Am. In. Peru. I am a dirty, white hipster that everybody stares at when I walk passed. I don't speak their language, and I just speed walk away when people ask me questions. There have been platoons of Peruvian Princesses for me to stare at. I just don't even know what to think right now. I already miss home.

So let me start off with I love my best friends, and I love that they took me downtown Vancouver to drink our faces off before I left. But this idea may have not been the greatest. We got back to the hotel around 3am, and I had to be at the airport at 530am... So not only was I sleep deprived, but I was also slightly intoxicated still. Whoops. But I wouldn't have had my last night in Canada any other way!!

Okay, back to Peru. Note to self: I will never travel alone again. I think I almost put myself in a self-induced coma from the amount of stress I was going through. I think from now on I need to be put on a leash and walked through airports, due to the amount of times I ended up on the total opposite side from where I needed to be. I also need to have a travel partner, because I wasn't able to share the ridiculous things I experienced with anybody. So let me share here.

1. I know you guys thought you were being super cute. But when you sit beside me giggling, and necking the entire flight, I will purge any remnant of alcohol I have left in my stomach on your lap. You disgusted my hung-over self.

2. I really questioned your sanity when you decided it was a good idea to wear a t-shirt that said, "If dalmatians were human, I'd be married to one." Maybe because I was in Texas at the time? I don't really know how to explain your reasoning.

3. I was really concerned when the person sitting beside me disappeared midway through the flight, and never returned. Did you die in the lavatory? Or did I smell that bad? Well, my feet did/do stink horribly currently. RIP seat-mate.

4. Airline, when you offer me food, I would really appreciate it if you didn't add a little extra of your own spices. Spices being a long, curly, black pube. I hope this isn't a Peruvian delicacy...

But yes, right now I'm currently sitting at a Starbucks. It's 130am here, and I just want my own bed. Do I get that tonight? Nope, I just to sleep on a comfy plastic chair, hugging all of my luggage so nobody steals it. Sigh. But I should figure my life out in this confusing airport.

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Some pictulas, of course.

The last picture is of a blueberry cheesecake treat from a Starbucks in Lima. Delect.

I Swear All My Blog Titles Have The Word Procrastination In Them

Hola, guess what time it is! It's procrastinate from anything related to school time, of course! I've already gone out for far too many smoke breaks than necessary, cooked a meal even though I wasn't hungry, and am writing a blog when in reality I should be studying for a final I have in 4 and a half hours. But hey, C's get degrees, right!? Well...I'm hoping they do.

Topic change. Tomorrow is my last shift at Starbucks. Well, I should say last shift at that certain location. I don't know I feel yet. Wait, YES I DO! I feel freakin' stoked about it. I don't have to deal with old people telling me our prices are outrageous, and that A&W coffee is better anyways. I don't have to deal with people coming in and reading the menu for five minutes, then proceeding to ask me for a "calorie frap". Really? I didn't know that we had a syrup called calorie. I'm sure it tastes great though! I won't have to deal with kids walking in, acting like they own the store, and ask for a drink like this, "Yo, give meh a double chocolaty chip frap, man." (all the while throwing your hands around like you're Eminem's love child.) I will be able to regain my sanity, and this is what I'm most excited for. SWEET FREEDOM!

But alas, I should get back to my Political Sciences. I wish I could pop my eyes out, prop my book up, and go have a nap while my eyeballs continue to study. Vulgar? I don't curr.

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Before I leave, and my brain melts here are some goodies.

Maybe I should explain the picture of my mouth that makes it's debut in these photos. It was a Fiesta themed party, and the people throwing it thought it would be a good idea to play a game called, "Pin the dirty sanchez on Justin Beiber". I guess some people are jealous of my facial hair...

Limited Days

6 shifts left of work. 3 weekends left with best friends. 1 presentation, 1 paper, 3 exams left of school. 20 days left until I'm in Peru! I'm only weeks away from not living in Canada anymore. I feel excited, nervous, petrified, but mostly hot and bothered! This will be the first time in my life that I'll be by myself for any extended period of time where I know nobody. I'm getting out of Abbotsford, and it feels amazing. I'll be able to walk to streets of Cuzco and not see a single soul I know, unlike here if I did that I would be honked at because it's a one-horse town, and everybody knows everybody.

What am I looking forward to most, you might ask? Well, I'm excited that I don't have to think about school for a long time. I'm excited for the beautiful weather. I'm excited for wearing beaters and flip-flops errday. I'm excited to learn a new language. I'm excited for new friendships. I'm excited to just gtfo and find myself. What I'm not too excited for is that I'll be missing out on 2 months of summer with friends. Also not having anybody to cuddle with; this might be an issue. But I don't want to think about the negatives of when I'm down there. Because this trip will be good for me. Very good.

I just felt I needed to write down emotions before the trip, so I can look back and reminisce. Don't hate me because it's not a juicy blog post. Get over it.

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Time for recent photos from FB.

I would just like to comment on the last photo; I look very unimpressed because my stomach was eating itself, and I was very focused on the sushi I was about to inhale later that day.

You Can Call Me Harry Potter

My dear friend Ashley, click the name to check out her blog, came over today and gave me my birthday gift! You don't know this fact about myself, not many people do, but I am in LOVE with the Harry Potter series. I remember on my 11th birthday I waited up till midnight to see if Hagrid would stop by and give me my Hogwarts acceptance letter, and a squished birthday cake from his oversized jacket. First of all, my birthday was ruined because the dirty bit didn't show, and secondly I was heart broken because I found out I'm just a douchy muggle... Wow, apparently I didn't know I suppressed these emotions.

Anyways, back to the point; my gift! Ashley went to the Harry Potter Exhibition in Seattle back in December, and told me she bought my birthday gift. Not only was I pissed at her because I couldn't come with, but I was also livid that she told me she bought me my birthday gift 6 million months before my birthday. I don't do well with waiting, can't you tell? So as I was opening my gift, I almost had a heart attack because I could smell the magic wafting from the bag. I pretty much ripped the bag in two because I couldn't wait any longer. To my surprise, it was a mug that showed the Marauder's Map when you put hot water in it!! There may or may not have been tears. Actually, that's what I filled the cup up with, my steaming hot tears. Creepy? No, just any other day in the life of Taylor. Thank you for the amazing birthday gift Ashley!

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Yes, I will now post pictures of the mystical mug that I'm currently drinking my hot tears out of. P.S.- room mate, you're not allowed to use this mug, it's only for my muggle lips. Appreciated. If I catch you, you will most def get pink eye from dragon dung I smother your pillow with.

I hate Telus. I hate Telus. I hate Telus. Why is this such a big deal to get them to understand what I want? When I call you and need your help I would like to speak with someone who can actually speak proper English to me. Is this so much to ask for? I don't appreciate when you mumble all of your words when you ask me questions. Oh, and my name is not James Taylor, It's not Taylor Jamison. I just told you, very clearly may I add, that my first name is TAYLOR, and last name JAMES. I even spelt it out for you....twice.

The Big 21

Hello, friends. So it's my birthday today, and I'm 21. Twenty-freakin-one!! Why do I feel so old now? I don't like it. Get it out. I would like to be 18 again, please. Naw, I kid, 21 will most def be a good year for me, I can already sense it. So what did I do for my birthday you may be wondering. Well let me tell you; I went to Kelowna with my friend Scott and stayed at one of his friend's house for the weekend. It was far too much fun, and I miss it already! We went to BigWhite and snowboarded. It was my second time ever boarding, and my ass for sure realized quickly that I was a noob. But none-the-less I love it! I'm already planning on buying a season pass/all the necessities to live on the mountain.

We then came home and I drank a bottle and a half of wine. Did I need to do that? Of course I did! Who do you think I am? We ended up playing King's Cup, and boy, was that ever a treat. We found a new rule called the 'gimp card'. When one pulls that card, the person to the left of them is their gimp master. Good thing I was the person to the left, because Scott really needed to feel the wrath of Gimp Master Taylor. He ended up wearing a pink curly wig, and a bikini top. Did I forget to mention he was forced to eat 4 kibbles of dog food? Good times.

When we all finally awoke after the night's excursion, and it was such a beautiful day that we decided to go for a hike. After climbing a mountain in the desert we all had a nap that was well deserved. We then all pilled in the car and went to the sketchiest CastleFunPark wannabe joint and played mini-golf. If you know me, you would know that I absolutely hate mini-golf. Like a passionate, burning hatred for it. Actually, just all games in general. My luck with winning such games are 0% out of 100. I've come to accept this fact, so I usually just avoid them at all costs. When mini golf was done, we all ended up drinking....Yes, drinking again.

On Sunday I planned to go out with a few close friends from home, and eat dinner at Earls. I didn't plan on drinking, but then shots just started to appear. Tequila, an Irish Car Bomb, and some foreign shot that was delectable. Let me just say I was in a good state after ingesting them. After din a few of us ended back at Jessi's house and all cuddled in a bed. Some farts later, my clothes coming off (what's new?), and Jessi force feeding me water, then proceeding to make a human geyser of water spew from my mouth, all in all, it was such a fun night! I can easily say this has been the best birthday I've ever had!

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OH, I almost forgot! My birthday present from my Mum was a brand new camera, a Nikon L120 to be exact! I love it to death, and took some pretty dandy photos this past weekend. I guess I should show you some of the photos to prove I didn't make up this great weekend.

P.S.- Yes, in the last few pictures, I sure am wearing a beater that says "Fuck Shit Up". I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

ihmlcurrently

Blog post that will be like a Facebook status.

"Taylor James is currently sitting on the floor in his living room, wishing to curl up into a ball and die."

I'm not going to talk about SUPER personal things in this blog. But I would just like to state the current count of negative happenings in my life are at a total of 5 in the past 48 hours. When will it stop? No one knows. I think Jesus is angry that I screwed up my lenting of not eating fast food. Yes, lenting. /SMOTED! Can't wait to wake up tomorrow to find some body part bleeding, or something of that nature. WISH ME LUCK!

Soft Kitty

I think I'm alright with being single for life, just as long as I have my cat. Is this a sad fact to type out/come to agreement with, I like to think it's not. Will Chairman Meow ever break up with me, no, she won't. Will she ever cheat on me? Yes she has, but we got over that, and moved on. ANYWAYS, I've had Chairbabe for a few years now, and she's my pride and joy...CrazyCatMan, sure, you can call me that.

How did Chaircat and I meet, you may ask? Well, let me start off with there are two stories to that. The story I told my mother was that I found her on the side of a busy road while walking home one day. A stray kitten that I couldn't just leave to die. Mum wasn't too impressed with it, but agreed that I could keep her just as long as I took care of her. Now let's review the second story; the true story, might I add. A friend's cat had kittens, and posted on Facebook that she was looking for homes for them. I offered to take one, and that was that. I feel like the true story of how I acquired Kittenface will be a family story that we'll always laugh about when we get together. Well...I'm hoping for his when I do finally tell my Mum how Softkitty came about.

Chairman Meow and I have been through plenty of stuff throughout the years. Such as having 600 different names; such as Eway, Velcro, Slut, Kitten, and Ruby Blue. Eventually she became Chairman Meow, and it's stuck ever since. Not only have we been through a handful of name changes, but we've also gone through 5 moves together. I think she will one day hate me from the amount of times she's been moved to different homes. Not yet, though. Oh, and lets not forget when she had babies, that stupid slut. There were three babies to be in fact, but one died. Unfortunate, but I had another two kittens to add to the platoon. CrazyCatMan at his best.

I love my cat to death, especially when I first walk into my house, and she screams at the top of her lungs for five minutes about how much she missed me. Yeah bitch, I was gone for awhile, calm down, I get it. Also, I love her when I go to bed, and how she expects that I lift the blankets for her to join in a cuddle session. One day I'm going to roll over in my sleep and smother her. Well that would suck. But getting a dutch oven would suck worse.

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This is where I post some pictures of her. Let me warn you, you're going to fall in love with her. Don't worry, it's natural to feel that way.