Never Trust A Peruvian Asian

Guess where I am? I’m sitting in a cement soccer field. A cement soccer field that we were supposed to pay to get into, but we just jumped the fence. Whoops. So what’s up with me the past couple of days... Hmmm. So the group went to a restaurant to eat some din. We ended up leaving one because it was far too expensive. So we were bombarded by an army of Peruvians to come into their establishment. Screaming, and throwing their menus at us. We all finally picked one (after Jesse saw hamburgers on the menu...) We walked up the stairs to get there, and to our surprise it was only us in there. It’s a rule of thumb to not eat at places where there aren’t any people because you don’t know if their food is fresh or not. Anyways, we said screw it. Jesse accidentally brought a different restaurant’s menu up with us, but the server said that it was alright that people ordered off of it. We all took our orders, and while we were waiting for our food, a man off the street selling his paintings came up to our massive table and tried to force his artwork on us. I almost yelled some profanities at him. After five minutes he regained some sense, and left. We then noticed a man with bagged food go into the kitchen. So apparently the people who ordered off the other menu got take-out from a different restaurant. That sure was a treat. So we all got our food, and then to our surprise (not) a group of men walked right up to where we were sitting, set up a bunch of instruments, and serenaded us with their flutes and drums during dinner. I hated every second of it. It was so loud that we had to scream at each other to hear anything. They finished up, then asked for tips, and to buy their C.D. I spat on their shoes.... I didn't actually, but I wish I did. We then booked shit out of that sketch-pot restaurant.

Oh, I have another food related story. So Nicole, Ryan, Emily, Rik and I decided that we were hungry for Chinese food. We all ordered, and everyone got their food except for me. Just my luck, right? So Nicole went up to the server and asked if it was coming and if I could get it for free since I had been waiting for 45 minutes. He agreed, and took my order for the second time, then asked if I wanted it for take-out, so I said yes. I finally got it, drenched it with soy sauce because we didn't have any at our house, and to my surprise I found a ripped up piece of paper place nicely on top of my food. I think they didn't like me. We got our bill and oh joy, I still had to pay. Nicole then started to stick up for me in Spanish. 20 minutes later of arguing with the owner, they took my food away, and yet again, we booked shit out of that sketch-pot restaurant. The story doesn't stop there. Emily and I left to go home, and everyone else went to the pharmacy. Nicole realized she had forgotten her purse there, and endured a walk of shame back to the fancy establishment. They held her purse for ransom for 15 soles. The price of my meal. Apparently they were angry I soaked my food in soy sauce. Angry that they couldn't resell the food to someone else. Nicole paid the price, and Ryan told the owner to "go fuck her mother." I feel like it was necessary to pay the 15 soles, just so he could say that. I was content. Note to self: never trust a Peruvian Asian.

So latest news in the life of Taylor James, I have a parasite. I've been feeling like pure shiet for the past week and a half, and decided it was finally time to call the doctor. I think it was a good idea to call him since I woke up with a swollen tongue, and could barely talk. So I paid 60 soles to see him, and he told me my throat was red, and that the symptoms I have concluded to me carrying a parababy. So he prescribed me with some drugs that I paid 35 soles for. I hate wasting money on drugs when I could be buying 2.50 sol burgers. Maybe that's where the parababy came from..

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I don't want to upload pictures. The parababy is kicking and I need to have a nap. Sorry kids.

Tjames On Fuego

I feel so behind on blogging. I feel this way because people are harassing me to write more... Bastards, I'm having too much fun here. Okay, let us start with horse back riding. So. My horse was named Pacha. Pacha was not very enjoyable to be partnered with. Pacha had a mind of his own. If he didn't like the way I told him to go, he would take his own route; even if that meant into the forest away from the group. Or when he thought it would be a good idea to run into a neighbouring field, leaving the group yet again, and making friends with a rando horse. I didn't think it was much fun when he was screaming and about ready to buck me off. Pacha had his own pace, meaning I was miles away behind the group, and when I tried to kick him he would not budge. Pacha and I didn't get along very well. As you can probably tell.

After being sacked, and my ass being bruised from horse back riding Jesse, Megan and I thought it would be a good idea to go for massages. As soon as we got out of our taxi we were mauled by two women who wanted our business. So we went with them after we asked if we could all be in the same room. We got to the building, the women separated me from them, took me up sketchy stairs, walked through an empty room into a small room with two other rooms. She brought me into a room and told me to undress. Let me tell you something, this room was only big enough for a bed and a person to walk around this bed. I thought I was going to be sold to the sex trade. Anyways, I told her I wanted an one hour full body massage, and she agreed. So she starts working on my bod, it was pleasant. She got to my lower back, and thought it was necessary to mount my ass and use her elbows. Okay, that was fine. But then she decided that it was also a good idea to mount the top of my head (vag -> head). She was a bigger Peruvian lady. I was distraught, but I pushed through. After awhile she started massaging my legs, so she pushed my boxers up to reveal my bum, sure, I was fine with that. She started low on my leg, then went higher, higher, higher, ohhh, whoops. She grabbed my scrotum. I was not alright with this. Not only was I not alright with this the first time, but the second time I was starting to think I was getting a happy ending. But after the scrote grab, and the butt massage, I was done. Done to run as fast as I could after giving her 20 soles; equivalent to 7 Canadian dollars. I felt dirty.

I don't even want to talk about Lake Titicaca because I'm just going to be bitching the entire time. Yeah, it was beautiful and shit, but I don't think it was worth the 7 hour bus ride to get there and back, and the 3-4 hour boat ride to get to the island. Oh don't let me forget to tell you about how our boat broke down like 45 times... There was too much hiking involved that I didn't anticipate. Please Peruvians, please tell me why everything is at least an hour hike uphill to get anywhere. I don't appreciate it. But yes, we stayed in a homestay with a family. They fed us 600 potatoes for lunch and dinner, then provided us with beds that had cement pillows. Then forced us to wear ponchos and dance with them. I just wanted my own bed.

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Some photos of lake tits and cock.

BAJA, BAJA, BAJA, BAJA!

It has been one full week since I've been here, and I already feel like a local. A local that doesn't know how to speak Spanish... Oh well, I finally booked my free week of Spanish lessons, so hopefully that will help me out. I won't have to pretend to say something back to people in my own Spanish, aka jibberish.. Anyways, what have I been up to, you may be wondering.

Well, I have just been walking around town, sitting in plazas, going into shops, buying 600 bracelets, and necklaces. When I come home, you may not know me anymore. This one week that I've been here I've turned into a hippy. I wear my lime green Gringo pants everyday that look like Aladdin pants, I wear a bandanna, and wear the 600 bracelets I talk about above. Oh, and I don't shower. Maybe it's a good thing I'm in a foreign country, so your noses are still connected to your faces. No, I only joke. I smell good, sometimes...

Food. Oh my goodness. Food. I have never felt so starved in my life. Breakfast consists of yogurt, bread, and weird cereals. Lunch consists of beans, rice, and bread. Dinner is mystery meat that has been sitting on the counter all day, with veggies, and bread. The worst so far has been puree broccoli... I didn't know I looked like a new born baby, or an 80 year old man with no teeth. Always say no to puree broccoli. I always have to go out after a meal to inhale something else. Or just buy a bag of animal crackers that is the size of a small baby, and eat that in one sitting. Or a burger with a wiener in it that comes to less than $1. Sketchy, but cheap.

Now let's move on to the workers who clean our house every day. Around 9am we have cleaners come into our room, make our beds, and fold the clothes on the ground. I feel so sorry for these people. Do you want to know why? Because they think it's normal to fold your dirty underwear. Dirty underwear that I wore for days travelling across the world. I hope she was wearing gloves... Poor unsuspecting Peruvian woman that probably died from the gouch oder. Oh lets not forget about the time I saw a cleaner spraying something in my room, which I thought was febreze, but oh no, it was my Axe that the cleaner stole out of my bag in the bathroom. I thought the male cleaner smelt like my pit-stick. Thief. I guess it's payback for the touching of my dirty undies.

Um. So. I went bungee jumping. Can you believe it? Because coming from the person who is deathly afraid of heights, I can't believe it. Let me tell you about it. Well, so they strapped me into a harness and feet straps, and shoved me into a small cage, like I was a rabid animal. I sure as hell felt like one the entire time the cage was being sucked up into the sky. When I finally got to the top, the man opened the gate, told me to step out on a 2mm wide platform, and counted down from 3. I gave him a death glare, and then he told me to take my time. While I was on this platform, the bungee cord was pulling me out of the cage. Pretty sure at that point I was prairie dogging. I then proceeded to look down to the ground. Bad idea, because then I actually did drop a douce in my pants. Anyways, he started to count down again, I took a deep breath in, and threw myself out of the cage to my death. I opened my eyes, couldn't breath, but when I finally did the first words out of my mouth were, "HOLLLY FUUUCK!!!". I think after that my stomach was thrown out of my mouth. Weirdest, but the best feeling I've ever experienced (not the projectile stomach, the free-falling.) The whip-lash got me good, I looked like a rag-doll apparently. So after I finished my 3 bounces, I was just dangling upside down. During this time it felt like my feet were slipping through the feet braces. I actually contemplated if I would live if I fell from that high. That was the worst part of bungee jumping. Sorry Mum, but I'm still alive, calm down. The next couple days after it felt like I worked out for 12 hours straight. But I'm so happy I actually went through with it!

Some little bits of info since being here. You can get absolutely anything at El Molino (the black market). I have my own separate water tank, meaning I get hot showers when everyone else in the house doesn't. Baha. I have a wicked sandal tan line. I drink gallons of tea a day. The toilet paper smells like baby wipes, and you're not allowed to flush it down the toilet. I sleep in a room where it's like -0 at all times. The house I live in is like The Real World. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing yet. I saw a bumble bee the size of my fist today. I shove all my clothes under my bed. I'm shaving my stache tomorrow...

Oh, I didn't end up going to Machu Picchu. I'm going to do a 4 day trek later in June through a different company, who are a lot cheaper. But I'm super excited for this week though, I'm going to the zoo tomorrow, as well as horse-back riding for 4 hours. Then this weekend I'm going to Lake Titicaca (or what I have renamed to Lake Tits-and-Cock.) Oh, sorry again mother dearest.

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Photo time? Yeeee bitch!

Update From The Dirty Bit

Hola dirtbags!! I am in love with Cusco! I don't even know where to start. The city is beautiful; despite all the poverty, hordes of dirty dogs, and crazy drivers who think that it's a good idea to almost kill people on a daily basis.

I feel like I can finally walk the streets without having the unsettling feeling I'm going to be raped and pillaged by a Peruvian monster. I'm glad I have conquered this. But I should tell you about the first day that I was here... I had my orientation at Maximo Nivel at 4pm, so I ended up walking there with another volunteer in my house. It was just a 20 minute walk down the main road. All was fine, until I had to walk home by myself. I went shopping for a bit, perusing Peru, if you will. Let me just say that every house looks pretty much the same, and it was horribly hard to find La Florida (my house). I ended up walking up and down alleyways thinking my house had a side-entrance (apparently I was drunk?). People were walking behind me, I thought I was going to die, I walked faster. 1 fucking hour later I found my stupid house. I hated my life. This was the only time, so far, that I've wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Oh nvm, I almost forgot about how I smashed the top of my head on a hobbit-sized door while running. I didn't know that concussions were included in the program fees...

On a lighter note, everyone in the volunteer house is pretty sick! There are a bunch of Canadians, and we segregate ourselves from the Americans by sitting at different tables for dinner. Jokes.. kind of. Anyways, some of the other Canadians and I have already thrown out plans to go travelling next summer, which would be pretty prime!

Today was my first 'real' day at my placement, and it's called Centro Comunitario Huayllarcocha. I work Monday-Fridays 830a-11a, but I'll probably end up staying longer, for example today I stayed till 1pm. I have to take a bus called a Combi, and I hate it with every cell in my body. It's like a minivan, except it doesn't seat 7 or so people. It fits enough people that sometimes you have to hold other people's babies, so I'm talking like about 15 people. Super stanky. Other than that, the community center is everything I hoped for! I'm not that helpful with trying to help the kids with their homework, since they don't speak English. But I have no problem connecting with the kids, playing games, getting them to read me books in Spanish, and playing chess. I ended up playing chess with two boys named Yojan and Paul for an hour. Of course they would own me at it, it's a board game! BAH!

But I won't be posting for awhile, I'm going drinking tomorrow night, bungee jumping on Friday, then to Machu Picchu for the weekend! Update when I get back!

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Ps- no photos today, I'm tired, sun-burnt, and just lazy as eff.

Oh Hi There, Peru

Baaaaah! So. I. Am. In. Peru. I am a dirty, white hipster that everybody stares at when I walk passed. I don't speak their language, and I just speed walk away when people ask me questions. There have been platoons of Peruvian Princesses for me to stare at. I just don't even know what to think right now. I already miss home.

So let me start off with I love my best friends, and I love that they took me downtown Vancouver to drink our faces off before I left. But this idea may have not been the greatest. We got back to the hotel around 3am, and I had to be at the airport at 530am... So not only was I sleep deprived, but I was also slightly intoxicated still. Whoops. But I wouldn't have had my last night in Canada any other way!!

Okay, back to Peru. Note to self: I will never travel alone again. I think I almost put myself in a self-induced coma from the amount of stress I was going through. I think from now on I need to be put on a leash and walked through airports, due to the amount of times I ended up on the total opposite side from where I needed to be. I also need to have a travel partner, because I wasn't able to share the ridiculous things I experienced with anybody. So let me share here.

1. I know you guys thought you were being super cute. But when you sit beside me giggling, and necking the entire flight, I will purge any remnant of alcohol I have left in my stomach on your lap. You disgusted my hung-over self.

2. I really questioned your sanity when you decided it was a good idea to wear a t-shirt that said, "If dalmatians were human, I'd be married to one." Maybe because I was in Texas at the time? I don't really know how to explain your reasoning.

3. I was really concerned when the person sitting beside me disappeared midway through the flight, and never returned. Did you die in the lavatory? Or did I smell that bad? Well, my feet did/do stink horribly currently. RIP seat-mate.

4. Airline, when you offer me food, I would really appreciate it if you didn't add a little extra of your own spices. Spices being a long, curly, black pube. I hope this isn't a Peruvian delicacy...

But yes, right now I'm currently sitting at a Starbucks. It's 130am here, and I just want my own bed. Do I get that tonight? Nope, I just to sleep on a comfy plastic chair, hugging all of my luggage so nobody steals it. Sigh. But I should figure my life out in this confusing airport.

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Some pictulas, of course.

The last picture is of a blueberry cheesecake treat from a Starbucks in Lima. Delect.